@neiltyson: I wonder what Cannibals & Aztecs would say, watching civilized people eat symbolic hearts of loved ones on Valentine’s Day.
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@magicraisin: She said: "I want to have your children." . Me: "They'll be on the first bus in the morning."
@paperphotoyo: My neighbor can't understand why he just found human shit on his front porch. I can't understand why he would use a power saw at 5:48 am.
@DurtMcHurtt: Raccoons are like hobos, they live outside plus they don't like being shaved while they're eating.
@XplodingUnicorn: My love for my kids is like my data plan: Technically unlimited, but it might get dialed back behind the scenes if they really push it.