I wonder what Cannibals & Aztecs would say, watching civilized people eat symbolic hearts of loved ones on Valentine’s Day.
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No one said your ‘cheat day’ had to be an Earth day. I use Mercury, it has a 1,408 hr day
When the doctor asks you ‘How are you feeling today?’ sexy is not an appropriate answer apparently.
Put all your neighbors names on your Halloween tombstones in your front yard and wink when you’re outside and they walk by.
Me: honey, want anything from the grocery store
Him: I feel like grapes but I don’t really like grapes
Me: say no more
DATE: so…this is your place?
ME: yea…not fancy but it suits me. *opens flap of bouncy house* oh, also do you mind taking off your shoes
[séance]
Medium: I feel a male presence coming through
Me: I want to get in touch with my late husband
Medium: His name is Tim?
Me: No, Luke. May I use your phone? He was supposed to be here 20 minutes ago
God has abandoned us.
On the first day of Christmas my 2yo gave to me…
A cold that will last all week
BATMAN: I was lost as a child and raised by bats
ANTMAN: I was lost as a child and raised by ants
SUPERMAN: I was lost as a child and raised by soup
Self-cleaning conscience
Can’t believe a woman would grow a life inside of her for 9 months and then name it Ian.
“I’m so stoked!”
-An excited fireplace
Man: You’ve been very loyal but it’s best we part ways
Dog: I don’t understand. What’s the problem?
Man: Your talking kinda freaks me out.
Is age 14 too old to leave your kid on a doorstep?
Desire to not get beat up > Desire to wear a cloak
Just got your text from last night: you need to cut the red wire first to stop the countdown.
Goats will be chewing while looking at you like they have seen you somewhere.
There are 7 trillion nerves in the human body and some people manage to get on every one.
My safe word is extra cheese
…in queso emergency.
Alright. Let’s cut the shit. Who harbinged this doom?
I like to hike with a bag of pork chops. That way if I run into a bear, I won’t die hungry
In search of a Dom(ino’s Pizza)/Sub(way Sandwich) relationship
Twitter: Ed Asner died
Me: Aw that’s so sad. What a great actor
T: Betty White is trending
Me: AAAAAAAAAA!!
T: She’s fine
Me: Why would you do that?
Me: Babe, I got carded today!
Husband: Showing your Costco membership at the entrance doesn’t count.
I hope Alan is OK
*Bites lower lip*
“So this is an abduction then?”
Cop: “Stop that. You’re under arrest.”
Twitter should really come up with a “Temporarily hide user’s tweets until user gets their shit together” button.
Do not levitate over flowers
do i think every one of the theories about kate middleton are batshit insane and the people who thought of them need to be examined? yes
have i absorbed every single one of them like a thirsty worm in the desert? absolutely
Sorry for laughing and pointing when you fell. I just thought clapping would be rude.