Nothing brings a large group of neighbors together like something that’s none of their business.
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Don’t mess with me. I will pull on one of your hoodie strings to make them uneven.
There are two ways to survive adversity: You become stronger or you become smarter.
I became fatter.
True love is knowing which parts of Bohemian Rhapsody are yours and which are theirs as you belt it out in the car.
One of my lamps has a light bulb which has outlasted my past 7 relationships.
Them: Here’s a vague event invitation.
Me: I’m gonna need more info to work out if it’s accessible – food options, how many people going, is it indoors, COVID precautions…
Them: No worries if you can’t make it. [No further info provided].
Me: Thanks. I guess 🫠.
covid spelled backwards is devil. Don’t look just take my word for it.
Me realizing i have no idea what my friend just said:
My brain:
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say itMe: That’s crazy
i be like “why does god give me his hardest battles” and the battle is cooking instead of ordering delivery
[text]
Hub: I have to go to the doctor.
Me: Is it your eyes?
Hub: Yes!
Me: Is your vision blurry?
Hub: Yes!!
Me: You’re wearing my contacts.
*walks by HR door for 11th time to see if she’s not there so I can take some candy off her desk*
HR: Do you need something Josh?
me: Nope
My mom put shredded carrots in our Jello, so don’t tell me about your rough childhood.
On date night my wife took me to a place where you make your own pottery. I made an urn.
Parenthood is so crazy. We’re really out here getting bullied by the people we made.
Have you ever considered, that if there is a God, same sex attraction was created to prevent the overpopulation of unloved children? I have.
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but, don’t drink aquarium water to impress a girl……..
2-year-old: *points to my belly* Baby!
Me: Yep, there’s a baby in there! Will you love it?
2: I eat it.
Well that escalated quickly.
Lord help the person who honks at a mom while she’s strapping her kids in their car seats.
It was already gonna take an hour to get us ready, but now it might just take 2.
I don’t trust a restaurant that advertises “Now with more bacon!” because it means they were holding out on me to begin with.
My husband and I are bonding over how much we hate our marriage therapist, so I think it’s working?
[preparing chicken for lunch]
me: it’s a meal we eat at middaychicken: gotcha
{Father & son fishing}
DAD: Son, I don’t say this nearly enough…
SON: *smiles* Yeah?
DAD: …I used to practice kissing on your Aunt Kim.
HI?
“The test results came back positive. You have only able to speak in state abbreviations disease”
ME?
“yes”
OH
“sorry it’s permanent”
OK
10 puts the paper toilet roll on in the “under” position.
long story short he’s by the road with a for sale sign on.
I was in a serious relationship once. We never even smiled.
I admit it. If I were a man, I’d be a creepy @ guy for sure.
if you find yourself struggling creatively take a step back and realize that you are also struggling financially so at least you’re consistent
friend: hey are you up for a blind date tomorrow night?
me: sure
friend: does 8 sound good?
me: nah that’s out of my league, better find me a 4
This is what every Twitter trending topic looks like to me now
Ways to get me naked:
1. Be hot
2. Be funny
3. Be alcohol
4. Pretend to be my gynecologist