Lois: “I saw Batman yesterday. He’s put on a lot of weight”
Clark: *lowers glasses* “More like Fat-
Lois: “Oh my god it’s Superman”
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Whenever I read the word “female” on twitter, in my head I pronounce it like “tamale”.
[I show my phone to the taxidermied raccoon sitting on my apothecary shelf]
Can you believe this shit
A brainwash actually sounds pretty nice right now.
Thank you, Internet.
Thank you.
People say I’m self-centered, but the important thing is that they’re talking about me
husband just asked what I’ll do with my spare time when we finally finish all the renovations to our house and I said I’m gonna build a scale model of redwall abbey in the garden for the field mice and I think he thought I was joking
Like my wife always says, just because I’ve never seen it before doesn’t mean I didn’t lose it.
The only thing we need to bring back is duels.
Hate it when I bring someone back to my place for the first time and all they want to talk about are the corpses.
her: can you put egg plant on the shopping list
me: *writes* ‘chicken’
[First day as a Scientist]
Boss: We need some petrified wood
Me: *Tells ghost stories to a tree*
ME: *goes on mute after giving update on a conference call*
MY 4 Y/O: [standing behind me baffled] daddy, what does any of that even mean?
ME: i don’t know, girl. i don’t know
I’m so sick of unexpected character deaths for shock value. This is a terrible pilates video.
chumbawamba: I get knocked down
me: so relatable
chumbawamba: but I get up again
me: oh nevermind
I like to think Jesus rose after, like, 20 minutes, but then had to spend 3 days trying to move the rock from the cave.
The amount of people I know who have disliked me because someone told them to is staggering. Like dude, give me a chance… I’ll give you a reason. I promise.
When my toddlers ask where mommy is, I explain that she’s gone to heaven. That way they’re super-excited when she gets back from the gym.
if you’re not sniffing random panties at the laundromat then why are you even there
My son washes dishes like he knows there are 12,000 germs but only wants to kill 1.
If I had to pick a favorite Rocky movie, it’d be Rocky IV. I’ve never seen it but I hear Creed dies in that one & I really hate their music.
You can’t hurt me. You aren’t my GF coming back after 3 days away, only to walk past me to say hello to the dogs first.
We’re all different. For example, some folks get up early to exercise… And others get up early to eat cookies before the kids wake up.
i couldn’t do an interview from home i don’t have enough bookshelves to sit in front of
“have you seen the gas prices?” no man i drive with my eyes closed because it’s scary
I delete my mistakes so now my kids live in constant fear.
umm…
Son?
“Yes dad?”
If they ever put me on my death bed… I want you to…
“Yes?”
Tell those idiots to put me on a life bed instead wtf
My 4yo heard me say my shoulders were hurting and offered to give me a massage. She proceeded to punch and poke me a few times and then said “all done”. And honestly, I’ve paid for worse.
A British person will be slightly insulted by someone, not say anything, nurture a lingering resentment, patiently bide their time, and eventually, in an unrelated conversation with the person years later, will remark, “that’s typical of you.” Usually across a dining table.