i wonder what my cat is thinking about when she sits curled up at my feet staring at me for hours and sharpening her hattori hanzo sword
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if harambe happened today it would be like the 40th thing down in the news. it wouldn’t even make the ticker
I’m a show off but not drive around with Christmas lights on my car show off
And that’s when I realized it was a cop car
If someone asks us why we didn’t have kids I ask them how many people they’ve had sex with, and when the awkward silence hits it’s peak I’ll ask if I’m playing the none of your business game correctly.
*Detective stands over murder victim*
This looks like a case of…
*Takes off sunglasses*
*Removes contacts*
*Brushes teeth*
*Goes to bed*
im a cat and i FREaking love turning potential energy into kinetic *pushes glass off table* your going to feed and keep me for some reason
date: I’m an expert in volcanology
me: *mouthful of bread* why do they have pointy ears?
Doc: How much exercise you get in a week?
Me: Does sex count?
Doc: Yes
Me: None
Parent pro tip: Beware of the child who cleans their room without being prompted. They are about to ask to borrow money.
I hope the ghost of Michael Jackson Hee-Hee’s in your ear while you tryna sleep
If you immediately tell new people you meet you’re allergic to chocolate, you can eat all of their candy bars when they aren’t looking.
I’m tired of 19 year olds thinking they’re special for being hot. You’re 19 You’re supposed to be hot. Call me when you’re 45 and hot.
I still have a landline. Or as I like to call it, Cell Phone Finder.
Worst Friday the 13th ever. Someone stole the baby Jason from our nativity set.
I haven’t read a single History book that explains how Asians got out of their Pokeballs.
This year, I want to be a better mother, but having kids is making that impossible.
Who’s Rudolph’s favourite pop star?
Beyon-sleigh.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes
The voices are having a huge argument tonight, I’m just hoping to fall asleep before the rational one drags me into it.
A variation! I dont like you people who can fall asleep at the drop of a hat. Its not normal!
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
😏😏😏😏😏
🤦♂️🤦♂️🤦♂️🤦♂️🤦♂️
undercover boss: im gonna learn what it means to work the day to day jobs and stay undercover for the next few weeks
[first hour]
worker: hey man someone shit all over the bathroom u got it
undercover boss: wow u figured it out its me, The Undercover Boss
Fear not, ugly caterpillar. For one day you will become a beautiful butterfly
[emerges from cocoon]
AH WTF I’M A MOTH THIS IS BULLSHIT
butterfly in the sky, i can go twice as high?? You’re starting your song dissing a key pollinator? For what?
My husband ordered a hearing aid off of Amazon. I’m so screwed you guys.
Me: Better late than never!
Wife: …
M: Seeing red?
W: …
M: Go with the flow!
W: …
M: I’ll go buy tampons.
W: NOW, MISTER FUNNY MAN.
I see your Full House and I raise you 3 episodes of Home Improvement.
-Me, not knowing how to play poker, but loving 90’s TV
Fly me to the ouch
Let me play among the ouch
Let me see what ouch is ouch
On ouch ouch ouch ouch ouch.– Frank Piñata
“Seamstress, you come pleat me.”
-Pants
8-year-old: The snow is so pretty.
Me: Yeah, but it makes the roads slick.
8: Why are pretty things always dangerous?
Me: Ask your mom.
I heard that no real accountants were consulted during the filming of the new movie The Accountant. They want the movie to be entertaining.
Knowledge is like underwear. It is useful to have it, but it’s not necessary to show it off.