i wonder what my cat is thinking about when she sits curled up at my feet staring at me for hours and sharpening her hattori hanzo sword
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I wonder if Jeremy Irons ever quietly laughs to himself while he’s ironing.
well, my kid accomplished at least one of the two reminders she gave Alexa last night
I don’t need anyone with a so-called degree “to” tell me I use quotes wrong.
doctor: any history of cataracts in the family?
patient: yes, on my mother’s side
doctor: interesting [takes notes] people normally get it in their eyes
I like donuts.
Twitter:
Agent: I have a script for you.
Daniel Radcliffe: Is it weird?
Agent: Yes.
Radcliffe: I’ll do it.
People who wake up perky:
1) whoa…that’s enough
2) see number 1
I really wanna cuddle a great big bear but the biggest shame is that I’ll probably only get to do it the once.
Volunteer me to do something without checking with me first so I know whose mailbox to leave the dead squirrel in.
Me: Help! i need my stomach pumped.
911 Operator: Did you ingest poison, ma’am?
Me: No. Pizza.
if you have a cat tell them i said pspspsps
[After winning an award]
HOST: Is there anyone you’d like to thank?ME [smiles at wife in the crowd as I lean into the mic] Absolutely not
I wouldn’t eat all of the Christmas cookies if my wife didn’t leave them out in the open, under the shirts on the top shelf in the back of the closet.
[bar]
CUSTOMER: Barman
BARMAN: Sir?
C: This beer tastes like piss
[further down the bar]
BEAR GRYLLS: I’ll have what he’s having
I just got a robot vacuum. I think I’m going to put a bag of goldfish on top and let it take care of my daughter from now on
Welcome to Twitter.
Here are your stones. Your glass house will be assigned to you momentarily.
too many boring kid names like “chris” and “logan” if i had a kid i’d name him something badass like “the shovel”
Fitness instructors who resist the temptation to yell out YOUR OTHER LEFT are alright.
I keep telling my dog that it’s just wind there’s nothing to worry about. He’s not getting it. He just looks at me like bro, if you don’t let me go outside rn and bark at that wind, it’s gonna kill us!
For fifty bucks this Yellowstone park ranger said he can get me into his top secret bear hugging seminar
cw: (hanging up the phone) never get married.
me: why?
cw: that was my husband. he called to tell me about the gold panning kit he just bought on amazon.
You can pretend you’re a ghost at pottery barn, there’s no laws against that
Havent picked sides in Gamer gate yet.. which do I like more.. the entire female gender or the thing where I pretend to kill people on Tv..
the best way to avoid people outside stores with clipboards is by carrying your own
Interviewer: says here you have a military background
Me [getting out my phone]: yeah but I changed to a picture of my dog eating spaghetti
Three ways to tell if you’re dating an Octopus:
1. They give awesome hugs
2. They have no skeleton
3. Every date is at the aquarium
It’s funny how Gina who cheated on me in 9th grade because I was “too much of a prude” is now a Catholic school teacher.
We operate by one simple rule: if you smell it and you think it’s gone bad, I believe you. Further testing (by me) is unnecessary.
You have a really old bottle of hair care product in your shower. You have a pre-existing conditioner.