*Three fingers stuck in my piggy bank
Firefighters: I’m not sure this is what they meant by stimulating the economy
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[throwes some foam packing peanuts into a pond]
“HEY! NO LITERING–”
shh wait
[a flock of rubber duckies float over squeaking excitedley]
Cop: know how fast you were going?
Me: 30
Cop: faster
Me: 217
Cop: what? no 72
Me: 54
Cop: I already told-
Me: negative 12
Cop: get out
Why does Mommy always say no?
Well Son, if Mommy said yes all the time you’d have 20 more siblings.
#Friyay
Going to start punching people in the face who say fight me. Words mean things, Paul.
“Shhhhh it’s sleeping”
I whisper while closing the door on my laundry pile
you ever be washing a spoon and it wash u back?
What idiot called it hoarding, and not Stock Home Syndrome?
People don’t make your heart skip a beat. Medical conditions do. Idiots.
My neighbor is doing yoga in the backyard. Legs behind his head and hands under his… No, wait, he fell off the roof again.
ME: Gosh it’s murderously hot today.
CLIMATE: *under breath* Shit they’re onto me.
*trying to explain to the dog why we aren’t keeping the 3 foot traffic cone he found* listen babe I know you’re colorblind so this is a little hard to understand, but it matches literally nothing in the house. you’re going to obliterate the vibe.
What’s sadder, the end of “Titanic” or my son’s face when I ask him to explain Bitcoin again?
*at picnic*
Him: Oh great, you brought a bottle of wine.
Me: Sure did! Where’s yours?
Him: …
Me: …
Him: Uhmmmm
Me: Guess only one of us is drinking then.
*reads recipe and sees “raisins”
Well, that’s not going to happen.
I don’t have friends with ugly babies mostly because I believe in honesty
I don’t mean to brag, but i’m an amazing sport coach. I can make ppl run very fast.
*From me
The 2020 presidential election will be won by whichever candidate has the strongest policy on adding Waluigi to Smash
*eats nothing but junk food for 3 weeks straight*
OMG is bellyache a symptom?!
I get it, you have a philosophy degree, but I just want you to make my latte, not wax poetic about life, okay Baristotle? Extra foam please.
me: just because you’re paranoid doesn’t mean the illuminati haven’t targeted you and replaced all your workout gear with slightly smaller sizes to make you look like you haven’t been taking your diet seriously
personal trainer: *just glares*
Please don’t interrupt me and my frozen daiquiri while we are outside having an important drunk conversation with the roll of toilet paper that we met in the bathroom.
Thank you
Save time on divorce paperwork, and just hand the judge your phone.
out of the blue my 10 yr old asked me if i was running for president and i said no and then he put his arm around me and said it was time for a woman to be president and it should be me and we hugged and hugged and then he asked for a video game he wanted
We got a notice at work that a coyote had been spotted on the fitness trail, and I was, like, “Good for him.”
I always draw track marks on my arms and cough a lot when visiting family so that no one asks me to hold their baby or help prepare food.
freak people out in public restrooms by saying “come in” when they knock on the stall door
People belittle the internet “talking about a dress” as if we’re busy solving problems otherwise.
To the guy who turned the entire first floor of his house into a giant ball pit – I will find you, and I will marry you
sorry i’m late i had to catch a chicken is something i’d never thought i’d say, but here we are