I wonder what song the Little Mermaid was singing when she viciously ripped a clam in half to make a bikini top?
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All I have ever wanted from a yogurt is to know who the cows are.
The closest I am to my hunter-gatherer ancestors is when I am gutting an Amazon package.
me: I’m not feeling well
doctor: take your glove off
who wants to come over and snake my drain this weekend?
(this is not a euphemism I am standing in two inches of bathwater)
Surgeon: scalpel.
[patient hands him scalpel]
Surgeon: oh shit! Lol. You’re supposed to be asleep.
interviewer: what are some of your strengths
me: i’m really good at making people question their reality
interviewer: what does that mean
me: [slightly tearing up] you really don’t remember the accident do you
Oh, you carry a pack of cigarettes rolled up in your T-shirt sleeve..? That’s how I carry my mini babybel.
– Adele’s baby starts to cry
– Adele sings the baby a lullaby
– baby cries more, but now for different reasons
BOUNCER: *checking ID* this doesn’t look like you
CATERPILLAR: *adjusts makeshift wings* its me
B: oh yeah? Fly then
C: uh *starts sweating*
My greatest fear is having a star athlete injure himself and having the coach look into the crowd and point at me to take his place
I dropped my soap in the shower. On purpose. Nothing happened. You guys are full of it.
“We need to kill the terrorist NOW”
But how..
“The human body is 70% water”
Jesus, you know what to do
*terrorist dies of alcohol poisoning*
Me: I’m going to be late.
Boss, over the phone: What happened?!
Me, stuck up to my neck in rice: Well, funny story…I couldn’t find a towel.
Can’t get a girl? Rip out your rib and make your own! Critics are raving “this doesn’t work” and “I’m bleeding to death”.
[galileo’s wife walks in]
*quickly pointing the telescope from the neighbor’s window to the sky*
i was just studying the… phases of venus.
Do my kids help me cook? No.
But do they like what I cook? Also no.
Ok, but do they at least come when I call them to eat? *deepest, longest sigh imaginable*
Boxing is like a dance, a dance where you punch your dance partner until he doesn’t want to dance anymore.
Her: You should meditate.
Me: And be alone with my thoughts? No thank you.
ME: *dying* are you…the Grim Reaper?
GRIM REAPER: WOW, WE LITERALLY JUST MET… PLEASE CALL ME GRIMOTHY. LET’S KEEP THIS PROFESSIONAL.
[Horsemen tryouts]
APOCALYPSE: I like u guys but I only need 4
*Death, War, Famine, Conquest & Steve look at each other*
STEVE: dang it
What idiot called them “Female condoms” and not Estrojans?
You can’t choose your family but you can choose a hitman.
Would like to be a man who dies with his boots on, but knowing my luck it will be a day I chose to wear socks with a pair of Crocs and my friends will have fun with that.
Priests should not have to live in a state of forced celibacy, but be free to marry and let celibacy slowly descend upon them the usual way.
REJECTED MARVEL CHARACTERS:
Thorothy
Captain Caillou
Aunt Man
Backfat
Iron Jan
Thanus
Friendly but loud reminder to NOT FEED STALE DUCKS TO BREAD k
My daughter’s principal made a surprise visit to every 5th grader’s house to hand out “class of 2020” bags, t-shirts, and beach towels.
Let me tell you, you haven’t lived until you’ve stood in your doorway braless in pajamas chatting with your kid’s principal.
Every time I get a paper cut, I know somewhere a tree is laughing.
A marriage built on respect and trust can survive anything. Except losing twice as much weight on a diet than your wife, apparently.