Wife said “these kids are leaving the lights on” so looks like I have some competition in the dad department.
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Jesus. But make it not Jesus and not fashion.
My wife bought 24 Hostess cupcakes for my son to take to school tomorrow for his birthday treat. I didn’t know that’s what they were for. I hope 8 kids are absent tomorrow.
I sneezed seven times in a row and my cat is acting all freaked out instead of just asking if I’m ok
Find a man who pays attention to what you say as much as Google ads does
Me food shopping alone: $250.00
Food shopping w/the husband: $99.75
Food shopping with the kids: $699.00
Mom: Wanna help gift rap?
Me: In West Philadelphia born and raised on the playgro– oh you mean WRAP? Nah homegirl you’re on your own.
Barista won’t write “Air Bud was bullshit” on my coffee cup. We’ve been arguing for 20 minutes. HE’S A DOG THAT PLAYS BASKETBALL
“No matter what it is, two chews and a swallow is all you need. Efficiency is the key…”
~Dogs probably
me: excuse me sir, what kind of wine is this
sommelier: [pretentious af] it’s merlot
me: excuse me merlot, what kind of wine is this
I prefer Big Caesars. Easier to cut weeth.
Before I had kids I was going to be an awesome mom.
Got a text from an unknown number that said “I’m on my way,” so I’m tweeting this from the closet.
[first day as a doctor]
patient: how bad is it
me: [forgetting the word for spine] you broke your bone rope
I’ve kept my tamagotchi alive for the past 15 years, so yeah Mom, I know what it’s like to raise an “ungrateful little prick”
Me – “did Benjamin Button’s pubes fall out or grow back inside his body?”
Doctor – “no I meant what seems to be the problem with you”
Why does ma Nana’s dog look like he’s trying tae see what he wants tae order from the chippy
Why are government cars always in a hurry!! That sense of urgency is not reflected anywhere in their official duties.
Me: why are there so many rednecks at this bar
Vampire: *shifting guiltily* haha yeah weird
I think my nephew finally figured out that there’s no chameleon in this cage & that his Xmas present is a cage.
customarily, clothes go in the hamper not next to it
I walk around my yard a lot and usually I’m singing softly to myself as I do, which looks like I’m talking to myself because I’m not even listening to music, which is probably why people cross the street before they pass by my house
My cooking is nothing that a flame thrower and take away menu can’t fix
Dear sneeze, if you’re gonna happen, happen. Don’t put a stupid look on my face and then just leave.
its cool in movies when a guy blows into town and after a 30 second conversation an old guy is like, you can work in my bar and sleep in the spare room above the garage and eat meals with my family and have sex with my daughter
Me: How are you?
Neighbor: Can’t complain.
You?Me: I can and do.
Cashier at the liquor store wished me “Happy Holidays”…
As if I’m not going to be back three more times before Christmas.
Well of course the supermassive black hole that will eventually annihilate our galaxy is a Sagittarius.
Shoutout to my upstairs neighbours for finding a loophole in the ‘no elephants’ clause in their lease
Me: I have reservations
Restaurant Host: Makes sense, we have a C rating
Husband: Why are you so grumpy?
Me: I’m not grumpy.
My face: