Gonna turn my life around!
[10 min later]
Oh well, I tried.
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*slides into home plate and crowd goes wild*
Hey everybody, be quiet for a minute!
*pulls out phone, dials number*
Hi mom, I got home safe.
Whoever called it Thor 2 and not Keeping Up With The Asgardians is an idiot.
[Speed dating]
HER: I’m really into astronomy
ME: the moon follows me when I drive
Very sad to hear about Piers Morgan. Nothing’s happened to him, I’m just very sad to hear about him.
over-40 lifehack: if you go every 6 months instead of annually, they only give you a semicolonoscopy
*steps out of the time machine* Me: what year is this?
Wife: Stop playing with the washing machine.
Purposely shows cop cleavage to get out of a ticket
Cop: is that an olive in there?
When Bryan Adams sang ‘Baby, you’re all that I want…when you’re lying here in my arms…” I bet he was talking about brisket.
The only thing I DON’T like about renting a summer cottage is having to adapt to a new kitchen. You reach for the chef’s knife but pull out the bread knife because the handles are identical! And there’s NO time to make another selection because the killer is coming right at you.
I’m in a doctors waiting room. What’s a polite way to say “I hate your baby”?
upon my death:
1. tell my kids I loved them
2. give my daughter my jewelry
3. leave french fries in my coffin, just in case
wife: how did the poetry slam go?
me: *taping my glasses back together * better
I once had a broken tooth repaired in France. I still chew with a slight accent.
Imagine a world without Queen. We’d have no idea who the champions are
ME: So what’s happening today
NEWS: *incoherent screaming*
the children’s version of “The Catcher In The Rye” is called “My Little Phony”
I feel confident that the person who created banana Laffy Taffy had never even seen a banana.
[my first day at the spa]
*gently lays an entire cucumber on your eyelids*
I fear one day my gf will figure out every romantic thing I say to her is a line from Brokeback Mountain.
4yo: Can I have powder on my pizza?
Me: You mean parmesan cheese?
4: I don’t like cheese. I want powder
Me: *Gives parmesan cheese
4: *Happy
[senses date is losing interest in me]
“my uncle was the guy who did the rap in Red Red Wine”
I keep my enemies closer because you can only throw a rock so far.
For years I’ve been needlessly struggling w/ not having enough money until an internet commenter changed my life by telling me to work hard
Wife: You’re really on a roll today.
Me: : *wearing croissants as slippers* Please leave the dad jokes to me.
What I said: No
What I meant: No
What my dog heard: Okay, but just look real cute.
HEY TWITTER IF I WANTED 10,000 CHARACTERS THAT I WASN’T INTERESTED IN I WOULD START WATCHING GAME OF THRONES
Years and years of periods are how women got so good at cleaning up after murders.
And I’ve said too much.
I missed your birthday because I didn’t log onto Facebook that day. #LetsBeReal
what’s another way to say “codependent psycho”? I want this dating profile to be perfect