Every email I ever send: Hello! I am extremely excited to be corresponding with you! You can tell by the number of exclamation points I use! Here is one sentence with a period so that I don’t come across as manic. Thanks!
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I used to be able to eat whatever I wanted without gaining weight. Now I pick up a fork and gain seven pounds.
Hot guy just walked up to me and said I was pretty so naturally I pulled out a Sharpie and drew a star on his forehead.
Didn’t find out until I got to work that these exposed-shoulder tops are intended for women.
Remember everyone’s fighting their own private battle. For example we’re out of corn chips so I ate salsa with potato chips and lost part of my soul
*Husband using Ouija board after I’ve died*
Please answer me
*arrow moves*
“It’s on the top shelf. Right there. RIGHT THERE! Use your eyes!”
My toddler is going through his “MINE!” phase which also applies to me. My husband was giving me a hug and my toddler looked at us aghast, pointing and saying “No! NO! Mine!!” and it’s the first time in a while I’ve had two guys competing for my love
My 10 yr old thinks I expect too much out of her.
I told her we could discuss it when she gets home from work.
I killed an hour today. The other measurements of time are terrified of me now.
me: i think we should make a baby
wife: do you know how expensive babies are?
me: wait, you can buy them??
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I’ll huff and I’ll puff and I’ll get light headed then have to lay down.
Accidentally drew my eyebrows on too dark and thick and now I live on Sesame Street with Ernie.
Them: but, if you’re both men, who’s “the lady” in the relationship?
Me: Mariah Carey.
No one makes more observations than a child sharing a stall with his mother inside a public restroom.
Sometimes words are just not enough
And for such occasions, I have this flamethrower
Twitter is my serious account. The funny one is my bank account.
I figured out how to eat rice cakes. You have to frost them and then dip them into marshmallow fluff. Diet food isn’t so bad.
I finally opened the condom in my wallet and it had a beard.
The definition of confidence: when you go to the toilet with 3 devices in your pocket.
Officer: You were speeding.
Me: I am trying to keep up with traffic.
O: There Is no traffic.
M: I am really far behind.
People will read 50 Amazon reviews before buying a pair of headphones but won’t think twice about taking drugs they bought from someone they only know as “the guy.”
My warrants are pretty outstanding.
If Dean is Dean then why is Sean Shawn?
Before coffee:
The sun is stupid. My bed is stupid. These clothes are stupid. People are stupid. Work is stupid…After coffee:
Everything is still stupid, but with more energy
Did you hear there is a tampon shortage? Somebody better get in there and pull some strings
My sports team is better than your sports team!
“Is not!”
Is too!
“IS NOT!”
*pulls out giant foam finger*
Whoa man, be cool
Fun prank: Just leave random “I’m sorry I hit your car” notes on people’s cars and watch them look for a non existent dent.
the human has been working from home the last couple days. and every so often. they let me participate in the video calls. all the other humans cheer when they see me. i am the only thing holding their company together
remember covid? good times *gets into nuclear bunker*