One good thing about having kids is that they are sick every time I get invited to something I don’t want to do.
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ME: *being attacked by a werewolf*
ALL OF TWITTER: We don’t deserve dogs.
Me: It’s just a piece of paper, it won’t change anything between us.
Him: It’s a police report.
me in the kitchen: how do i crack an egg
me watching great british bake off: what kind of an idiot forgets to poke steam holes in their banquet pie
things are looking up for me, a very eccentric russian guy and his wife who claim to be artists and live in the house they’re building by the lake just invited me to their very weird sounding housewarming party
Biden: I painted “Michelle Obama 2020” on your bedroom ceiling
Obama: 😳
Biden: Glow in the dark paint
I wish snacks could talk so they could verify my whereabouts from 1 am to 3 am this morning.
I’m saving myself for marriage.
Sorry, FROM. Saving myself FROM marriage.
Someone said I was racist because I misspelled pico de gallo. It’s like they don’t even know I misspell English words also…
Cop: Know why I stopped u?
“Cuz im going too fast?”
Cop: Yes, slow down.
“But it’s been 6 months-”
Cop: U can’t move in with her yet.
How to make friends: Put your clothes on backwards so people don’t notice you walking up to them.
Did you try turning your relationship off and then back on again?
Why do fifty percent of marriages end in divorce?
Well, I’m guessing it’s because the other fifty percent can’t afford lawyers.
Me: That tree is impeckable
“Don’t you mean impeccable?”
*cut to woodpecker with a broken beak*
Me: No. Also how did you pick up on that?
“Swimsuit season is over,” I announce, a fistful of chocolate cake in one hand and a tray of brownies in the other. My husband slowly backs out of the room.
me: so did it hurt?
her: yes, a lot
me: when i splashed that salsa in your eye?
her: I SAID YES
Satan: “Waaazzz up?”
God: “Speak of the Devil.”
Satan: “Really?”
God: “Sorry, figure of speech.”
Satan: “Jesus Christ.”
Jesus: “What?”
Hipsters is what happens when you tell every child they’re special.
Grab and smash, smash and grab such is time spent in a mammogram
Trying to convince a kid, no matter the age, that they’re tired, is like trying to tell a drunk they’re drunk. Denial & anger will follow.
I sprayed FeBreeze on the recliner and now my dog won’t talk to me.
Her: I’m leaving you.
Me: Is it because I believe that I’m a transformer?
Her: Yes.
Me: Don’t leave me, I can change.
I just kept my pants buckled for 30 minutes straight so I think I know a little bit about endurance training, Sheila
My wife and children normally go to bed around 8:45. I do not. My house is very quiet and I am able to get a lot of work done while they’re sleeping.
About a minute ago, I turned around in my office just as my wife was coming to say hello.
I am ashamed of the scream I made.
When hipsters replaced hippies, we lost free love and drugs and got skinny jeans. Worst. Trade. Ever.
Took my kid to a roller rink and strapped on skates for the first time in 30 years.
The arcade games, the music, the disco ball; every detail took me straight back to my youth.
The only new feature was the ambulance ride.
Felt sad when I heard Taylor Swift is now with Tom Hiddleston.
Apparently, my subconscious thought I had a chance with Tom Hiddleston.
Accordion to research, 9 out of 10 people don’t notice when you replace words with random musical instruments.
Got in a fight with the wife so I didn’t let her sleep on the couch with me last night.
Ethan isn’t playing around this semester
I used to get bullied online.
Until one day I walked up to the biggest computer in Best Buy and beat the shit out of it.