Stupid people who suddenly make a smart decision have no idea how confusing that is for the rest of us.
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Doing some research on the Fresh Prince of Belair. Does anybody know where he was born and raised and where he spent most of his days?
Therapist: Why did you bring a lawyer to a therapy session?
My lawyer: You don’t have to answer that
TECH HIRING MANAGER: Have you done IT work before?
PENNYWISE: Done IT? Pal, I’ve lived IT
Whenever I go to Subway, when they ask if I would like my sandwich toasted, I say yes & then I raise my cup of Coke & say, “To my sandwich!”
Your gene pool should be drained, the area bleached & the ground burned & salted. But other than that you seem like a great person.
[at doctor]
can u cough for me please?
*coughs*
again please
*coughs*
i see i see. i’m afraid you have a cough
At one point during our audit on Friday my hot boss called me “babe.” That means for the rest of you that your window of opportunity is closing…
Parenting is all about multitasking. Like trying to brush your teeth while you’re rock climbing.
Sawing a hole under the bottom of a table to steal a cooked ham is way harder than it looks like in cartoons.
Me looking a movie I hated up on Rotten Tomatoes to make sure other people hated it too
Me: I’m a mature adult woman who can handle anything
Also me: *has to pack my blankie wherever I go or I can’t sleep*
I got asked for nudes once and I was like, “No, I’m married.” And he was like, “Yeah, I know. I’m your husband.”
Me: When the edibles kick in
Everyone: You forgot to attach a picture or a gif
Me: Exactly
Telling a mom to relax while her family does everything on Mother’s Day is like telling a pilot to relax while the passengers fly the plane.
My university sends requests for money four times a year, so I send them my face in a dog filter.
My DNA test results finally proved what I knew all along; my mother was a can of diet Fresca.
Someone just called my phone, sneezed and then hung up.
I’m getting sick and tired of these cold calls.
If you run out of Christmas wrapping paper remember you can just write Jesus on the Happy Birthday.
When I drink too much coffee the voices in my head sound like auctioneer chipmunks.
When someone tells me “They could care less.” Instead of the proper “I couldn’t care less.” I always say “At least you care.”
Next on CNN, 600 hours of guessing what happened to a plane.
[5:30AM]
BRAIN: I’ll just go to the bathroom, but keep my eyes closed so I don’t wake up.
BODY: I’ll just clip my head on the door frame.
My wife just apologised to me for the first time in years!!!
Her: I’m sorry but you’re wrong.
To everyone out there suffering from anxiety: you are not alone there’s someone behind you
On Sunday’s I Iike to dress as Satan & stand outside of churches, yelling at the parishioners that it’s not working & I own their soul.
I get it Roomba, I can’t find my way out of the kitchen either.
stop it stop it don’t cook him stop
A brother from my ward really ticked me off this week, so I made sure to get my family to church early and take the pew his family usually sits in.
All of my passwords are the names of various “Friends” characters. Except for Ross. I’ve never used Ross. Not after what he did to Rachel.