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@TheMichaelRock: I wonder who Rose is going to kill in Titanic II.
@clintwebster: When people post about their 5 year olds, they're talking about wine right?
@XplodingUnicorn: Me: WHO DREW ON THE WALL?!
4-year-old: The dog.
@NurseSeymour: Sorry I haven't returned your text in 3 days, I was taking a nap.
@gumdropheaven: I eat children for a living
I said I feed children
Oh haha thought you sa-
TO MY MOUTH
@dinokitten: Dad: Why do you smell like weed?
Me: How do you know what weed smells like?! Busted, mister! You're grounded for a week.
Dad: Okaayy :(