@OhNoSheTwitnt: I wonder who the sorting hat will choose as the new Pope.
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@BlindChow: Hey girl, do you like bad boys? *tries to look cool by flicking my cig, but it's an e-cig so I have to run and get it*
@JCautomatic: [Dentist's] Me: *lying back with mouth full of cotton wool* Dentist: So what do you do? Equipment trolley 3ft away: I'm a ventriloquist
@ThisOneSayz: The person who named the eggplant must have been: a) Colorblind, and b) Totally high
@KateWhineHall: If I ever really want my kids' attention I can just make a YouTube video of me "unboxing" whatever I need to say.