@OhNoSheTwitnt: I wonder who the sorting hat will choose as the new Pope.
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@murrman5: [having daughter's new boyfriend (who I think is a caveman) over for dinner] so dave, how is work? *lights candle and watches his reaction*
@JamieGreenlees: A colleague asked me "what's wrong?", and that's a month of her life she won't get back!
@Fred_Delicious: [arrives at the gates of hell] Satan - "WELCOME MORTAL. DOWN HERE... WE DON'T HAVE LASAGNA" Me - "um...ok?" [Satan checks list] "Is your name Garfield?" "No" "Huh. List says Garfield"
@InternetHippo: ME: Why can’t everyone just be nice EVERYONE: Why can’t you ME: Don’t change the subject