Back in the day, with $2 bucks you could go to the store and walk out with a bunch of Doritos, and beer. Now they have security cameras.
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Aye. Do dis mean I get 3 wishes or nah
Gonna bring a notepad and a fancy pen to my next therapy session cause yessiree two can play that game.
Sex so good you see dead people.
3yo: Mommy, look outside at the snow.
Me: It’s pretty isn’t it?
3yo: Yeah, it’s your favorite color.
Me: No, that’s not my fav—
3yo: Yes it is
All I’m saying is never trust a towel that’s not hanging in it’s normal place when you get out of the shower…
6am: makes coffee
6:20am: grabs cup
6:21am: plugs in coffee maker
I couldn’t figure out how I cut my arm but then I realized I brushed arms with the guy with the barbwire tattoo.
Today my grocery delivery guy mistakenly bought me plantains instead of bananas. After arduously explaining to him the difference between the two, we laughed to ourselves. A delicious faux pas and a classic mixup.
Anyway he’s dead now.
trump: ban muslims
jeb bush: i disagree. just like dad would. who used to be president
ben carson: how did spongebob make fire underwater
You think you have it rough? I’m playing hangman with a 6yo who can’t spell.
Woke up at 6 & went for a jog before hitting the gym for an hour. Now I’m back home, making up a bunch of absolute bullshit about my morning
This isn’t chess folks. Pick a nuggie sauce and move along
marrying a French man really helped me understand the French revolution because once you’ve heard literally anyone from France talk about other French people you understand how ready this entire country is to just starting guillotining each other
the phone rings. it’s you. it’s always you. i’ve run out of things to say…out of ways to tell you to stop calling. i can’t do this anymore. yet…i answer, knowing you’ll just say the same thing you always say, “i’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty”
Beast: This castle is your home now, so you can go anywhere you like, except the West Wing.
Me: Okay, but is that right or left?
A mockingbird, a diamond ring, a mirror, a goat, a cart and bull, and finally a dog.
If you’re trying to quiet a baby, may I recommend a pacifier and a white noise machine?
Benefits of dating me:
1. You’re the smart one
“You’ve still got it girl”
I say as I thread the needle first try!
*shows up at your potluck with a handful of McDonald’s ketchup packets*
A Cobra wanted to fight me but I challenged him to a thumb war and he slitthered away embarrassed.
ME: *training a street fighter* Show your enemy no quarter.
THEM: It’s an arcade game tournament.
ME: Show your enemy two quarters.
Everything’s free if you learn to mimic the beep of the self-checkout scanner
Usain Bolt has the greatest Tinder profile picture of all time on his hands.
the first cicada of the season just walked itself right into my fire pit. 13 years under ground looked at the world and said nope
her: what are you watching?
me: film about misconceptions of ownership and land rights of wetlands under an absolute monarchy
her:
me:
her: are you describing sh—
me: yeah it’s shrek again
Nobody:
Nobody:
Nobody:
Nobody:
Me: ahhh my severed head collection is coming along nicely
Happy Teacher’s day, Wikipedia.
When you gaze into the abyss sometimes the abyss pats you gently on the hand and says she’s just not that into you.
Hub: Did you eat all the nachos?
Me: Noooo. I had one nacho.
Hub: because they were stuck together?
Me: LIKE I SAID, ONE NACHO!