I wonder why nobody told Forrest Gump’s mom that all you have to do is flip over the box of chocolates and it tells you what’s inside.
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Honestly, silica gel must be absolutely delicious considering how much effort they put into convincing us not to eat it.
Sorry boys, but you will never get into these pants. I barely get into these pants. These are very tight pants.
Tired this morning me would like to have a word with stayed up too late last night me.
3yo and I were in a store & she pointed at a toy purse shouting ‘I want a pretty pursey!’ but her ‘r’s’ aren’t well pronounced so I never went back to that store again
Hubs: You can play outside for 5 more minutes as long as you don’t throw a tantrum when I tell you to come in.
6yo: I might not throw a tantrum. Or I might throw a little tantrum. I don’t know. We’ll see.
Bedroom door opens.
Dog comes in.
Bedroom door closes.My wife’s way of saying “She’s your dog” without saying a word.
not to brag but i finished this 14 day diet in 3 hours and 38 minutes.
[Jedi Training]
TRAINER: Any questions?
STUDENT: Can the Force be with me?
TRAINER: I don’t know…CAN it?
STUDENT: Oh right…May the Force
Sock seller: sorry, no Christmas discounts
Centipede grandma: please I have 1 grandchildren
1st week of school: sandwich cut in a cute shape, sliced fruit, encouraging note.
Last week of school: handful of croutons wrapped in foil.
Ugh, my stomach is killing me. I wonder if eating this chocolate cross left over from Easter will help?
My 10yo got a “30 Days of Self-Care” calendar from school with activities she’s supposed to do each day of the month and my self-care activity is ignoring it.
Friend: You know that country song that goes-
Me: No.
Obama sure is waiting until the last minute to take everyone’s guns.
awesome that january is over but rude that our reward for getting through january is… february
If you run out of Christmas wrapping paper remember you can just write Jesus on the Happy Birthday.
“How old are you? Wow, that’s really weird. That seems too young to be a bitch”
Forgive me father for I have sinned, it’s been 25 yrs since my last confession, I sure hope you’re seated comfortably.
adulthood means having ice cream for dinner and regret for dessert
Well, well, well. Looks like I may have a lawsuit on my hands: a gynecologist refused to treat me, and I’m pretty sure it’s because I’m gay.
Unfortunately, the house having ‘period features’ turned out to mean we had to get the decorators in once a month.
A San Francisco man is running seven marathons in seven days on seven continents; he’s expected to be seven times as annoying about it.
Not everyone in my family follows Apple news, my sister included
“Nice” – first kangaroo to realise it had a pocket
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: Wow. Nobody’s ever asked me that.
Interviewer: Take a minute to th-
Me: Arendelle.
Oh, I see you’re an extrovert. Sorry, we can’t be friends. I already have a friend who’s an extrovert. One of you is enough.
Friend: Well, the more you know-
Me: The sadder you’ll feel
Friend:
Me: Is that not the phrase?
Friend: It’s annoying that you keep getting it wrong
Me: *crying* Well the more you know
I’m happy my date didn’t snoop in my medicine cabinet but sad I spent an hour setting up 40 ping pong balls in there for nothing