WIFE:
“At recess today, some kid named Billy told our daughter that he had butterflies in his stomach. Isn’t that adorable?”ME:
”That Miller kid? He’ll eat anything.”
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I wish I had the self-confidence of people on Twitter who threaten to unfollow others unless their demands are met.
My boss at the stencil factory once asked me to make a template for work, so next morning I went to the temp’s house and let her tyres down
If you pass the drug test at dominos they fire you
How apt that, after listening to “hold music” for an hour, I need a hug.
Drove by a woman with her car broke down, I was going to stop and help until I remembered I don’t know anything about cars or women.
Is running in front of cars some sort of gang initiation for squirrels?
Me: we’re having toad in the hole for breakfast
Pet toad: WHAT
Your dad’s grandpa is also your grandpa’s dad.
My bank says my password isn’t strong enough. Did it ever stop and think that my password has a lot going on right now?
Me in a huff: you just said disrobe down to my socks. You didn’t say anything about staying in the exam room
Have a kid so they can ask for a peanut butter sandwich and a jelly sandwich BUT NOT A PEANUT BUTTER AND JELLY SANDWICH!
What did Peter Lorre do to piss off cartoonists so much, my god
*cashier stares at obviously fake ID*
you sure you’re 3?
*dog panics and runs out of the store barking*
1st date: I love the spiderman movies
Me: So do I
[thinking of something to say to impress her]
Me: I used to be a spider
Watching fireworks is like listening to a kid’s story: you have to pretend to be enthralled every time, but in reality you lost interest after the first 3 minutes.
On my 5 year old’s report card it said, “He is encouraged to ask more questions”.
ARE YOU KIDDING ME.
Spider-Man reboots should start with the previous actor biting the new one as the origin story.
This summer on ABC. In a dog eat dog world. We’re gonna see who can eat the most dogs
Her: baby I’m so wet
Aqua-Man: *looks around* are you joking right now
Co-worker small talk at work today: How was your weekend?
Me: Don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it
Not long enough ahhh haha ha
Congratulations, Mrs. Smith. You have a healthy baby clown. Oh look, twins! Triplets! Somebody get a camera. Four, five, six…
Always a bridesmaid, never a body at the bottom of a lake
Ben-Hur was actually called, Fast & The Furious: Jerusalem Drift, but the name didn’t catch on like they had hoped
Her: [eating lettuce for dinner] so yeah, with those 3 small changes, I lost 4% body fat.
Me: [eating a beer for dinner] fight me
ME: wat if they dont like me
MOM: just be urself
ME: ok!
[comes home early in a masive cloud of bees]
ME: WAIT DID U SAY “BEE URSELF” OR “BE
ME: i’d like to get rid of all this
PERSONAL TRAINER: you’re just making like one sweeping gesture around your entire body
ME: and my head
To be honest, given a few tries I think I could do brain surgery.
RIP to the iPod. Kids today will never know the glory of having these all listed as different artists
Death Cab for Cutie
Death cab for cutie
Death Cab For Cutie
Death Cab for Cu…