@IGotsSmarts: I wondered why everyone said I had "bed hair", until I looked in the mirror and noticed a tiny mattress on top of my head.
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@Douchekevin: Wife asked if I was going to take out the trash. Told her I didn't know her sister needed a ride home. I'm bleeding. Call 911
@OutOfLeftField_: Does anyone else find it ironic when a celebrity with a face full of Botox talks about having the freedom of expression?
@PaperWash: goals for 2016: 1) spend more time with my son 2) learn about his fav video games 3) defeat him 4) become video game household champion