I wondered why everyone said I had “bed hair”, until I looked in the mirror and noticed a tiny mattress on top of my head.
You Might Also Like
[inside fighter jet]
I hate this cd
“change it”
how?
“press eject”
ok
[nothing funny or unexpected happens because they are trained pilots]
Someone asked me what was my favorite moment of 2021, and without a doubt it was when I searched for my phone in the dark by using the flashlight on my phone.
oprah: who said that shit
meg: im not gonna say
oprah: okay i respect that
oprah: harry who said that shit to you
Be the person that gives out the full size candy bars, I said, and now I have 55 full size candy bars left in my house.
I just want to be as carefree as the parents who opt for the light interior color options in their cars.
*opens briefcase and presentation about 9/11 conspiracies falls out*
But that means
[cut to my son giving presentation about cool dinosaurs]
I’ll sleep when I’m dead but also every night so I don’t die.
Any man that dates me better have my beer ready when I get home like my cats do
People need to learn how to record their name on a voicemail system.
“You have one new voicemail from… *heavy breathing* Toooooooddddd”
Batman: Use this spotlight to call me.
Robin: What if it’s daytime?
Batman: *glares at Robin*
Gordon: Yeah, what if it-
Batman: *smoke bomb*
I’m still drunk with power after a Jehovah’s Witness asked, “‘Can I ask you one question?” & I said, “I think you just did,” + kept walking.
My husband: sneezes and starts updating the will and shopping for coffins
Me, on my deathbed: I’m fine, it’s just seasonal allergies.
Date: so you were married twice before?
Me: yes
Date: any kids
Me: no they were both adults
Top Gun is a Christmas movie.
There is no tree and no Santa, but they do kill a goose
GOOD COP: cover me!
DAD COP: *tucks him in* snug as a bug
My grandma taught me it’s okay to use the really bad words only when someone messes with family, or when a bird shits on your head.
Writers will call anything menacing and I’m just supposed to accept it. “A menacing wind” “a menacing howl in the distance”. Just say you’re scared of wind and corgis. Don’t try to convince me it’s reasonable.
I wish they made barstools with seat belts and dual side airbags.
I don’t mean to brag, but I’m extremely talented with my lips and tongue.
*Whistles The Andy Griffith Show theme song flawlessly*
A kiss so passionate you have first degree burns from the melted cheese on the pizza.
Nobel prize to the person who invented stretchy clothes
The best part about Halloween is seeing people in costume doing normal shit. Just saw a Dracula standing by a car eating potato chips.
My brain: “safe place” or “safe spot”
My mouth: safe splot
in medieval times i think the worst job was prob the castle door opener bc like you have to open those 500lb doors to let your ppl in but you gotta get that shit closed before the bad guys get in too. like i’m anxious just writing this tweet tbh.
The nurse should wait until after they weigh you to ask if you’ve had any symptoms of depression in the past two weeks.
My anxiety is so bad I keep thinking that I forgot to shut the garage door and I don’t even have a garage.
Him: I hate that you ask so many questions.
Me: why? What do you mean?
Everybody wants to save the Earth; nobody wants to help Mom do the dishes……
I have 2 words for you:
Waffle.
Pants.Also, I may be high from paint fumes.
the best thing to throw at your spouse when you’re having a fight is a croissant cuz he’ll try to catch it in his mouth but it comes back to you like a boomerang & that’s just a delicious way to end a marriage . you’re welcome .