I wondered why my back was so sore until I saw my son jumping rope on a crack in the sidewalk.
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My soon to be ex-wife just told me I need to face my demons.
WTF. I was looking right at her.
The “walk of shame” should be going to a bar the next morning after being drunk looking for your lost debit card.
they should hide prizes in more boxes than just cereal, I’d love to reach into my laundry detergent and find a colour changing spoon
HER: Is that a potato in your pocket or ar-
ME: Yeah. I’m saving it for later.
LADIES, imagine this.
It’s 15 years from now. Your son is playing pee-wee football. Your husband has been working with him all summer. Your little girl is cheering on her big brother at the fence. The coach benches him and puts in a golden retriever.
My grandfather tried to warn them about the Titanic. He screamed and shouted about the iceberg and how the ship was going to sink, but all they did was throw him out of the theater.
[minutes after eating mac & cheese] u know what would be amazing right now- and honestly it’s been a while since I’ve had it- mac & cheese
ME: Help! Boa constrictor!
BOA: Actually, I’m a python.
ME: Help! Boa contradictor!
The Lord of the Rings is my favorite movie about how he didn’t go to Jared®️
Wait, you didn’t let me finish. What I was trying to say is Hitler was largely misunderstood by people who don’t speak German.
Lawyer: Is there any chance they’ll find the victim’s DNA on your clothes?
Me: No way, I used a lint roller.
Lawyer: Wait what?
Me: Yeah just *pantomiming a lint roller*
[wife walks in on me showering]
“Why are you wearing swim trunks?”
No reason.
[she glares at me]
SO MY TEMPORARY TATTOOS DON’T COME OFF OKAY
[Jumps into taxi]
“FOLLOW…”
[taxi driver turns around excitedly]
“…ME ON TWITTER”
[Jumps out & moonwalks into Olive garden]
Me: I just murdered Frank Sinatra
Cop: What?? He’s been dead for years
Me: I was at the karaoke bar
Cop: Oh I see lol
Me *puzzled* who the hell did I kill?
do not take my piercings out for my funeral or i WILL be back
Interstellar (2014) – A widower utilizes mankind’s greatest technology to get as far away as possible from his kids.
Amazing how many stupid choices are made on smart phones.
Conspiracy theory: If they really want to catch Big Foot, why don’t they look at the factory where Christmas stockings are made?
Sometimes I order Domino’s but give them Pizza Hut’s address. And when they show up and start fighting, just wait with my mouth open.
On your first day in prison, make sure you go up to the warden and compliment the décor.
my grandpa: this pizza has no toppings
me: close the box, turn it over, & open it again
my grandpa: well i’ll be damned
Plot twist. He’s actually a beautiful woman pretending to be a gross boomer reply guy
*lawyer pops out of cake with divorce papers & pen in hand
If you get a call from a telemarketer, give the phone to a child and tell them it’s #Santa.
what’s the point then??
Nav: ‘Take the next left turn.’
Me: ‘That’s not right.’
Nav: ‘No shit.’
SNL labels their bathrooms comic relief
It’s not a bad movie if you fell asleep because clearly you needed a nap, not a movie.
5: when you laugh your head off does it grow back?
The Royal Family is doing casting calls for blurry white women with brown hair.
Blurry girlies everywhere are like this is our time