It’s beginning to cost a lot like Christmas.
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When I see a “How am I driving?” sticker, I want to take the driver in my arms and tell them that I too have questions about my existence
Cashier holds up a bottle of herbal spray for hot flashes “you sure you want this it’s twelve dollars” YES I WANT IT AND I DON’T WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT
You can’t hurt me. You’re not a disappointing sandwich.
Me: *holds an old lady’s hand as I cross the street*
Cop: Where …. Where is the rest of her??!!!
When I tell my dental hygienist that I floss regularly, I’m lying through my teeth.
Somewhere there’s a person named Current Resident who has to read every piece of junk mail.
Ohio sounds like someone greeting a friend they didn’t expect to see then immediately realising it’s actually someone else
Pee pressure > peer pressure
Friend: So, do you workout?
Me: OMG, have you SEEN my abs?!?
Friend: No
Me: Yeah, neither have I.
My birthday’s 9 months after my dad’s. So I have to live with that knowledge.
Before I die, I’m putting fake treasure maps behind all my picture frames.
My grand children will be so pwned.
[at family gathering]
Me: *shoving jumbo shrimp in my mouth*
Mom: Where are your manners?
Me: *points over at sister* She has them.
Dating a guy with big hands is the best, at any time I can say “Babe, can you hold these 72 doll heads?”
And he can, he can hold them all.
Just yelled, “I will EAT you!” out my window in a fit of road rage, so that was new.
As a child I was bitten by a regular, mildly venomous spider, and I’ve turned into a regular, mildly venomous person. The system works.
Every time I clean my dog’s water bowl, she has put a piece of dry spaghetti in there. Where is she getting the spaghetti? Why is she not eating it? Is she softening it? For how long? Do I leave it? This has been happening for months.
There was a time I thought Radiohead was saying “I’m a creep, I’m a widow” and one day I heard someone sing the right word and well, only a freakin’ weirdo would think widow makes sense there, right.
You: Be kind. Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Me, wearing a shirt that says “I am battling the moon and it is not a secret”: Ok.
On the Hot Wheels isle helping a friend pick out a sweet Corvette that she promised her 18yo for graduation. Life’s all about the wording.
I put my thing down, flip it and reverse it
– me, plugging in a USB
Good morning to everyone except people that sit right beside me when there are lots of other seats open.
If you read the instructions carefully, the first step to making any microwavable lunch is to throw away the box and dig it out of the trash
No I’ve never had a tumor removed, but I did uninstall facebook
The lady on the news said that alcohol sales are down significantly in Alberta.
I’ve been sober for 57 days.So technically, I was on the news tonight.
Thanks to everyone who watched The Way I See It tonight. I appreciate all of your comments. #VOTETheWayYOUSeeIt
My daughter fell hard while we were hiking, so my 3-yr old niece starts punching the ground where she fell and yelling, “I don’t like you hurting my cousin!” She’s gonna be a bodyguard or a felon one day, folks. I’m just not sure which one yet.
Villain: We meet again, Mr. Bond
Bond: You don’t remember my 1st name do you
Villain: Sure I do. It’s uh..
Bond: C’mon this is our 3rd fight
[ Quarantine week 2 ]
We want to become self-sufficient so we planted our own tater tot tree.
Detective: ok forensics is finished. I’ll start here and you-
Dog cop: I’ll mark our territory
[dog cop pees around the crime scene tape]
What idiot named her Miley Cyrus’ grandma and not Nana Montana.