My greatest magic trick is making stuff magically appear before me in the exact location my husband said he couldn’t find it.
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*pulls motorist over*
COP: Are you high?
MAN: If I were high would you look like a breathing tree?
*one leaf silently falls from cop*
[aliens dissecting humans]
alien surgeon: seems like they feel terrible after they drink alcohol
alien assistant: that’s good, so they never do it
alien surgeon: you’re not gonna beleive this
*gets in taxi*
Me: Wow it’s cold out there, my hand is freezing.
Cabbie: Where to?
Me: (putting on other glove) You know what, you’re right.
I got some aluminum free deodorant and baybeeee lemme tell you… I NEED all the aluminum
is it thunder or is someone rolling out their garbage cans to the curb
Sieved flour to rule them all
A pinch of salt to grind them
Cup of milk, then mix them all
add an egg to bind them-Lord of the Onion Rings
*stable*
Me: that one
Stable hand: ah careful ridin her, she used to belong to an old knight
M: ok
*Horse goes 2 steps forward & 1 left*
WTF
I’m thinking about registering as a sex offender just so families with lots of kids won’t move into my neighborhood.
FRIEND: ready to go body surfing?
ME: [unstrapping a corpse from my car roof] let’s do it
At Christmas, a eight year old asked if I had ever heard of smash bros.
Nope never, let’s play, I’m sure I’ll have beginners luck
Executioner: say your last words
Me: your last words
Executioner: I’m gonna enjoy this one
Me: kill me now!
Murderer, from behind curtain: i was going to surprise you
Forget being the bigger person, I’m going to just start barking at people
I want an ice cream sundae so big that it edges into mondae
If you think my tweets are strange you should hear the squirrel’s side of the conversation.
a 9-5 is two hours of work and 6 hours of anxiously trying to justify my existence to my employer
My generation acts like they invented podcasts but my mom has been leaving 40min voicemails since before the internet.
Me: Bedtime in 5 minutes!
8yo: *Begins the single most complicated crafting project of her lifetime thus far*
true crime documentaries are like “nobody suspected the husband until they found the life insurance policy”
I’m watching Dune at 40 like, “hope that white boy packed sun block.”
[first day in prison]
Cellmate: that’s Flesh Eater Mike
Me: why do they call him that?
Cellmate, quietly as Flesh Eater Mike walks by with blood dripping down his chin: it’s short for Michael
The extreme amount of stress I feel when crawling into my sleeping child’s room to leave tooth fairy money proves I could never make it as a spy
Janice, from HR: Ok, so we’re clear. From now on no biting, right?
Me: Yeah, whatever. *adds “influenced policy” to my resume*
I’m having an out of money experience.
wait a minute. when the orc in lord of the rings says “looks like meat’s back on the menu boys” how does he know what a menu is
Always proofread your tweets before hitting send. I now that know
Me: guess who I bumped into at the store
My wife: [holding my glasses] everyone
Screenwriting:
ACT ONE: What’s their deal?
ACT TWO: This wasn’t the deal, now let’s see how they deal.
ACT THREE: They’re a whole new deal.
Target can refuse you a job, but they can’t stop you from asking the guests in dressing rooms if everything’s fitting ok