I won’t be gratified sexually until someone dumps one of those big Gatorade containers on me after.
You Might Also Like
Me: If Obi-Wan’s clothes remained after Vader killed him, then why wasn’t ghost Obi-Wan naked?
My date: [to waiter] Check, please.
911: 911
Me: I’m being chased
911: in your car?
Me: no in theirs
911: wh—
Me: how do I turn the sirens on?
I USED VOLUMIZING SHAMPOO TODAY AND NOW I CAN’T STOP SHOUTING!
call 2 psychiatrists and tell them ur gonna put them on the phone with a guy who thinks he’s a psychiatrist. now put them in the same call.
The most useful lesson I learned from my cat is if somebody puts clothing on you, just freeze and flop over on your side.
Husband: I’m going to take kids to do something fun today so you can relax.
Me: sounds awesome!
H: Will you get them ready for me?
Be the horrifying backstory of your family’s lineage.
a baby cow is called a calf bc it’s half a cow. half cow. calf. no further questions.
Calls restaurant:
Me – Hi, is your place kid friendly?
Host – Yes it is.
Me – Thank you.
Host – Would you like to make a reservation?
Me – Nope.
Friend: are you ready for our hike?
Me: *filling my camelback with french onion soup* just about
Dog keeps sighing melodramatically. I know he wants me to ask him what’s wrong, but I’m not falling for it.
*has argument with husband*
*brings up all the dumb shit he said in 2011**adds “Historian” to bio*
her: my fantasy is eating whipped cream off each other, what’s yours
JRR Tolkien: *big breath in*
Me: I banged your Mom.
My Son: I know, Dad. I know.
My boyfriend wanted a serious relationship so we stopped smiling at each other.
“Just act natural,” I say to myself as I purchase a spade and two large bags of cement.
“How was your first day of school sweetie?”
*in tears* JEFF HAD THE SAME SHIRT
“Oh…I’m sorry”
*rips Batman shirt* I’M NEVER TEACHING AGAIN!!
[Witness Protection Program]
So the more ordinary, mundane your new name is, the easier it’ll be to blend into your new-
BUBBLENUTS McFUNKY!
I’ve learned something today – “dibs” is not the appropriate response when your best friend announces their divorce.
Accidentally played Pearl Jam and now every 40 year old white guy is sprinting towards my house
“I propose a toast”
“I propose a bagel.”
“Ya bagel, much better.”
Imagine a baby named Edith. Exactly, you can’t because everyone named Edith quietly emerged from the woods at age 78 knitting an incredibly complicated afghan.
My cat thinks any questions I ask him are rhetorical.
With the magic of makeup, I go from tired old hag to tired looking old hag with eyeliner.
As an introvert, having a special place in hell reserved just for me sounds rather nice.
Anyone else’s spouse dislike their pet name? My “wife for now” hates hers
[Speed dating]
Me: Have you won any awards for playing the Quiet Game?
Him:…
Me: Next!
Me: you’re like heroin.
Her: Why? Because you’re addicted to me?
Me: No, because you’re ruining my life.
*making a phone call* please don’t pick up please don’t pick up
911 operator: 911, what is your emergency?
My therapist after every session