@TheTweetOfGod: I won't be satisfied until I have enough followers to form sects that fight about how to interpret My tweets until they kill each other.
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@theshamingofjay: Me: ugh I have to wear a tie today, adulting sucks. Grandpa: I had to fight in World War II when I was 19. Me: I guess you kind of get it.
@ClickBaite: [SPELLING BEE] JUDGE: Bourgeoisie ME: Really? W o w JUDGE: *annoyed* Sir, the word is Bourgeoisie ME:*clears throat* Eff - U - See - Kay - U
@Sickayduh: DAD: I can't believe you bought me a house for Christmas SON: I hope you enjoy it DAD: I'm just gonna... SON: Oh no DAD: Live in the present