@abhorrent_wife: I won't believe Johnny Depp is engaged until I've seen he's put a ring, 90 bracelets, 7 scarves, a fedora and an ugly pair of glasses on it.
YOU MIGHT ALSO LIKE
@WilliamAder: Remembered there were pudding cups in the fridge, so I walked faster than usual to the kitchen and now I know what a "runner's high" is.
@liv_thatsme: “Any plans this weekend?” Me: Just some baby seal clubbing. “YOU’RE A MONSTER!” Me: (later that night, having a warm cocoa with some conservationists at the Baby Seal Club) I don’t know why everyone at work hates me.
@hardlyrelevant: (interview for construction job) Foreman: Your resume is just pictures of LEGOs? Me: (proudly) Didn't even have to look at the instructions
@WilliamAder: "Down" "Penetration" "Tight End" "Ball handling" Don't the networks have censors any more?