I won’t believe Johnny Depp is engaged until I’ve seen he’s put a ring, 90 bracelets, 7 scarves, a fedora and an ugly pair of glasses on it.
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I let my kids choose between walking to get pizza or driving to get tacos because it’s important for them to feel like they have some control in their lives and I really want tacos.
M: The boss left a memo on my desk again about how awesome I am.
H: You’re a stay-at-home mom.
M: Yes, which explains my handwriting.
What if all those coins you keep finding in your couch is rent money from the spiders living in your house?
My mom asked me to text her at 5pm to remind her to get her thyroid medication so I do have plans
Trump is opting not to have celebrities at his inauguration in the same way that I opted not to take any cheerleaders to prom.
I don’t care about Disney lying about my Prince Charming. I’m more pissed about forest creatures and their unwillingness to clean my house.
I’m always Beware #MakesMeCautious
Science has yet to explain why sandwiches taste better cut diagonally.
“Be cool, it’s the cops” I said to my 3 cats I dressed up like robbers as my other 3 cats came out of the kitchen dressed like policemen
Do one thing every day that scares your psychiatrist
How many people out here using bar soap? I don’t think my kids would even be able to identify it
Of course the Midwest takes sports very seriously, what else are we going to obsess over…corn?
Physiotherapist: So tell me how you injured yourself?
Me: Rock climbing.
PT:
Me:
PT:
Me: *whispers* taking off my sports bra.
Me: Why doesn’t he love me?
Nachos: Eat more of me and find out!
Me: *Chewing* So?
Nachos: We need outside counsel. Send pizza down here.
[campfire]
And that’s when he realized… HE FORGOT TO ENABLE WIFI AND WATCHED 5 SEASONS USING HIS DATA PLAN
[everyone screams in terror]
SON: Dad, were there any doctor shows like Grey’s Anatomy when you were a kid?
ME: Yeah.
SON: What was it called?
ME: Grey’s Anatomy.
I swear I’m more than a mom. I’m a sweary mom.
*pours one out for my dad on Father’s Day*
*my dad’s ghost yells at me for wasting good vodka*
So we got a goldfish…
Am I capable of premeditated murder?
Your honor, I’ve been planning my cheat day for two weeks.
You gotta love a man with a dog’s name and a dog with a man’s name.
“Hi, I’m Cody and this is my dog Steve.”
Me: “Your mum sucks.”
GF: “That’s not very nice.”
Me: “No, it’s wonderful.”
if I was kate middleton I would tweet “they got me” and then log off
me: *doing the hokey pokey, turning myself around*
therapist: ok what was that all about
Hot people celebrate the new year in nightgowns and caps with tiny candles on plates & retire to their chambers at exactly 10 PM so they can go “honk shoo, honk shoo, mi-mi-mi-mi.” All hot people do this.
Wife fell off the bed and I laughed so hard that I’ll be sleeping on the floor tonight with the cat.
I’m tired of people asking how I wrecked my car. That’s just the way it looks.
Not having a date on Valentine’s Day doesn’t really worry me…
It’s those 364 other date-less days that are causing me a bit of concern.
Cinderella is my favorite fairy tale about how foot size is the best way to recognize someone.
Named my band Scheduled for Demolition so whenever it appears on a marquee, confused people write angry letters to the city council.