When they tell you the salad is your whole dinner and not just a side
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Was it something I said?
Day 137 of telling myself I’ll start working out as soon as my [body part] stops hurting
Taped a note to the beehive warning the Queen to recall her bees or face a flamethrower. Bitch called and told me to suck her bee clit. 🙁
[looking at my pill caddy]
My wife: Are these… M&M’s?
Me: I take the peanut butter ones right before bed
Can’t believe anyone would attack this place
We HAVE to stop North Korea! They’re led by a pampered, delusional, vengeful fat rich guy with stupid hair and access to nuclear weap- oh.
harry: finding these “horcruxes” sounds hard
dumbledore: nah. youve destroyed some on accident and one “might” be you
harry: kinda anticlim..wait wh-
dumbledore: theres also 3 legendary items called the deathly hallows
harry: hell ya
dumbledore: one is your blankey
My dog loves to catch frisbees but she always loses them. My wife said she wondered where they go and I joked that coyotes are playing with them.
This morning we looked out to see a coyote on the edge of the woods, playing with one of the frisbees.
Get a puppy if you are in the market for a best friend who gets you up at 5 am so she can bite you excitedly
Sorry I threw your baby but there was a spider on her.
My wife was cross when my 2yo broke a Chinese spoon this morning & I said it was “just Wonton destruction” & honestly it did not go down at all well.
This is why I need you lot, x
I’m not ashamed to say that when I saw everyone was getting these new “selfie sticks” for Xmas I thought it was some new fantastic deodorant
How do I even know this guy is my “boss”. I’ve just been taking his word for it
Wrestling is obviously fake.
Why would two people fight
over a belt when neither of
them are wearing pants?
I would totally waterboard you.
-me flirting
“I’ve fallen and I can’t get up” seems like a great slogan for tequila
But if I go out, who is going to stick their finger in the cat’s mouth and ruin his yawns?
I’m not saying I’m going to become a heart surgeon or anything but I DID just open the beginning of a new toilet paper roll with no rips.
Have you tried growling until they back away slowly?
*rubs temples*
security guard: Hey you! Stop touching the historic buildings at this ancient religious site!!
Nothing makes me more anxious than when I answer the same letter, three questions in a row on a multiple choice test.
12: So Paul and I are going to the mall today can you drive us and probably just gonna hang and we might be meeting up with a few guys from school just like you know 12 and can you take all of us and you can take us early—
Me: Breathe
12: I am
Me: I meant me
Me: I can tell my left from my right accurately 100% of the time when I do the L thingy with my hand
Interviewer:….ok. And weaknesses?
Sorry to all my coworkers who have to listen to me whisper the sassy email replies I wish I could send
Yeah but neither are the yachts soooooo 🤷♀️
So you’re meant to master things after 10000 hrs of practice and I’ve spent at least that amount of time eating
But I still bite the inside of my mouth
Grampa always said, “when you leave the house make sure you’re wearing clean underwear…. otherwise the raccoons will attack your anus”.
Grampa lived a weird life.
You can totally mistake a slipper for a cat when you don’t have your glasses on. Even after you pet it, you can’t be sure.
Excuse me, I’m sorry to interrupt but woodpecker tongues go all the way the hell around the top of their skulls like some kind of insane deli ticket machine
Wind In The Willows: Choosing Nicknames:
Ratty: I’ll be The Ratster!
Toad: I’ll be The Toadster!
Mole: I’ll be The Molest… I’ll be Moley.