I won’t ever use botox. I want everyone to know when I’m scowling at them. My general disdain is much more powerful than my vanity.
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I’m sure Leonardo DiCaprio‘s girlfriend is a wonderful person but I saw a headline that said she “has a message for her haters” and all I could think was “is it ‘I really need my .5 lead mechanical pencil back before Bio’”
My girlfriend and I are celebrating our anniversary tonight by breaking up six years ago.
If you don’t stop holding those grudges they’re never going to learn to walk on their own.
Madam Vice-President-elect Kamala Harris and the silhouette of Ruby Bridges when she was walking to an all-white school, newly desegregated, escorted by four deputy US marshals in 1960.
Sadly, the days of people using proper English are went.
The human liver can withstand up to 97% damage and make a full recovery.
Yet not one doctor will accept this as an argument for alcoholism.
Brain: he must study-how?
*Hormones raise hand*
H: we could hit him with pimples, kill the social life?
B: *whispers*
It’s for his own good.
I don’t usually accept blood pressure medication as payment but these old dudes are desperate and I’m sober.
the hardest part of taking nudes is cleaning your room
Him: Baby imma call you back, im in the middle of a shootout.
Her: Yea w.e, tell that bitch I said she can have you.
That awkward moment when you look over to give another driver a condescending look criticizing their driving and you nearly wreck and die.
[varnishing an old rocker]
keith richards: what the hell man
I only attract psychopaths. If you’ve ever had a crush on me, find a therapist.
“I think I’m falling for you.”
-replacement skydivers
my ex was like “i know a spot” then took me to the lowest point in my life
Me: I spy with my little eye someone who is guilty.
Murder suspect: Me?
Me: Ahah, so you confess!
Sorry I’m late, I believed the washing machine when it said it only had one minute left in the cycle.
When someone says they worked like a dog, I’m envious because every dog I’ve ever known has done nothing all day long.
When we go back to in-person office meetings, I’m going to start out by soundlessly moving my lips until people yell at me, just for continuity.
My boyfriend’s boss is scared of getting the coronavirus so naturally she has decided that instead of finishing at 5:30 they will finish at 4:30, because as we all know the coronavirus only comes out after 5
Stop showing me pictures of british people’s breakfast I’ve already been through enough
God: you’re a zebra.
Zebra: nice!
God: you have black stripes.
Zebra: like a tiger?
God: yes exactly!
Zebra: so we’re the same!
God: no.
Zebra: why not?
God: you eat grass instead of meat.
Zebra: omg i’m a vegetarian tiger!
Make sure you lock your car doors so no one steals your half empty water bottles.
*brings cake to bed for an after sex treat*
Me: want a piece?
Her: wrong, whole.
Iron Man died in a house fire from leaving himself on.
Here’s my thread about the spiders I’ve taken outside
– tonight was Bruce. He was medium sized and fast, but cooperated well 4/5 stars
Husband: *begs me to watch Lord of the Rings for the past 10 years.
*finally watches it*
Me: Why didn’t you recommend it sooner?
gonna start doing mildly unhinged shit to make people uncomfortable.
heat my food for 73 seconds in the microwave,
sit down in the elevator,
pick up my feet a little too high when i walk
Dating is great to find the perfect partner for couples therapy
Some people won’t try bacon for religious reasons. I won’t try religion for bacon reasons.