I wont play GI Joes with my nephew until he learns to play it right. He’s 4 years old, he should know better than to drag Vader into this.
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I’ve just had a rejection for a submission I made two years ago. Can I tell them that the book was accepted, published, reached the top 100 in the Amazon Kindle chart and I’ve since had another book published with a new one out this month, or is that just too much? 😝
* Puts leftover pizza in the work fridge at 7am
My brain at 7:04:
eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza
Did 300 squats yesterday. Walking funny today. Embarrassed about being out of shape so I’m telling everyone that I had buttsex last night.
Brain: Talk to that girl.
Me: She’s ugly. You’re drunk.
Brain: No you are.
Me: How many fingers am I holding up?
Brain: 12.
Me: Lucky guess.
My friend has canceled our lunch plans three days in a row. I’m starting to think she really doesn’t like lunch.
Feel. He’s so soft.
My dog loves me, but he also eats his own poop. I don’t think I can trust his judgment.
Son, take a look around you…
*motions to piles of unpaid bills*
Someday all of this will be all yours.
In honor of Star Wars day today, I cut off my son’s hand and kissed my sister.
It’s a good thing I’m off for a vacation soon. It took me 15 minutes of her talking about her Volvo before I realized she meant her car
My friend said she loves to be scared so I dropped her expensive makeup compact onto the floor
Trust my gut? The thing that gets overwhelmed by dairy
I don’t need money to buy happiness. I’m already happy. I just want the monies.
me before getting into birding: OMG SHUT UP BIRDS IT’S 5AM
me now: OMG SHUT UP CAROLINA WRENS, INDIGO BUNTINGS, AND TUFTED TITMICE IT’S 5AM
SON: I need lunch money.
DAD: Get a job.
SON: I’m in 5th grade-
DAD: All I’m hearin’ is excuses.
ME: is this the soup of the day
WAITER: it’s an aquarium
ME: ok I’ll have that
Me: look at this stupid thing lol
Person I want to like me: actually I studied that thing at sea for 3 decades and it’s like a father to me
Expecting Parents,
PLEASE
I beg you
Please look at what your child’s name will be spelled backwards.Sincerely,
Marlana
the $25 stuffed animal gets me every time
Kids will do something that makes you angry and you’ll tell them it makes you angry and they’ll cry and tell you they don’t want you to be angry while continuing to do the thing that makes you angry.
Fox News knows we can google stuff, right?
I’m sorry I put a collar on your baby. I thought it was a Pug.
ok i’ve proved i’m not a robot now you prove you’re not a human
*opens twitter*
*sees “Show me 2 photos of yourself that you like”*
*closes twitter*
When my husband is mad at me,
I like to point at my wedding ring
and whisper “forever”
My GF called me “behind the times” today. I got so upset, I paused the VCR, paged my friends & asked them to fax me their best advice.
Texted daughter “I’m going to take a nap” and autocorrect changed it to “come inside and scream like a banshee.”
Stop saying “There’s plenty of fish in the sea.” I’m sick of fish seducing all our human women!
Me: Who will I share the sunset with now?! *sobs*
Friend: Bad breakup?
Me: No. *wipes tears* My Instagram isn’t working.
Still looking for the Christmas presents I hid last year.