@turtledumplin: I won't slam on my brakes if someone's tailgating me...I will, however, take my foot off the accelerator and slowly come to a stop.
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@bobvulfov: day 1: dear diary i have been stranded on a desert island day 18: im starting to think that help will never come day 120: i was rescued by a couple fishermen! day 121: i have been dropped back off on the island because i kept saying “thank cod u guys found me” to the fishermen
@LurkAtHomeMom: Me: *checking into maternity ward* Hey, so remember that time when you took the baby so I could sleep? Nurse: Ma'am, this child is seven.
@SomthinBoutSara: If you get a text from me that ends in a stream of emojis, my mother has stolen my phone DO NOT ENGAGE