I dance like people wish they weren’t watching.
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Let he who is without sin cast the first stone. Who threw that? Gary, was that you? Don’t act innocent, I know you download music illegally.
*decides towels smell like mildew
*buys special laundry agent to remove odors
*washes load of towels
*forgets load in washer until morning
*repeat
I find few things more alarming than a toddler with a permanent marker in her hand.
[my first day as a 911 operator]
*eating peanut butter with a spoon* 911 wath er mumergy
yes… yes…
Pretending to WFH while my mom is around is way worse than actually working.
She’s on to me. I can feel her breath behind my neck…
I’m “misinterprets hand gesture and accidentally high fives your fist” white.
Flight attendant: You’re sitting by the emergency door. Will you be able to open it if necessary?
Me, having just put lotion on my hands: *sweats profusely*
Me: I’m ghosting him.
Her: You stopped talking to him?
Me: No, I’m showing up when he least expects it and scaring the shit out of him.
Him: It’s been like 30 years, I think you should let it go.
Me: It could still happen.
Him:
Me: [to my John Taylor Duran Duran poster] He’s just jealous.
[job interview]
willy wonka: what experience do you have hiding bodies
oompa loompa: i’m sorry i was told this was for a factory position
Pretty certain that wife and I would win the gold in the Olympic event of rage loading the dishwasher
the day my uncle Dan played his final game of “I got your nose”
Me: I have a problem.
Her: We’re married. Whatever it is, it’s our problem now.
Me: Ok. We had an affair with the neighbour’s daughter.
If it weren’t for this whole job thingy that pays me money I’d become a professional nap taker.
*wakes up before alarm goes off*
please be 5am please be 5am
*checks time*
2:34pm, februrary 25, 2054. NOOOOOOOOO
“Sorry, that was my bad.”
“Your bad what?”
“No. I’m just sayin’: Sorry. My bad.”
“You’re bad at completing an apologetic sentence?”
“Yeah”
Hansel and Gretel is my favorite story about eating children.
The thing I like about Dawn dish detergent is that I can wash my dishes, my pets, my gentles, and my car with it, and still have some to drink later.
In the wake of inflation, and the conflict in Eastern Europe, the Germans are predicting a shortage of sausage and cheese. They’re formulating a plan for it, which they’re calling the würst/käse scenario
GEORGE SANTAYANA: those who cannot learn from history are doomed to repeat it
HUMANITY: deal
Jesus was the only man to return from the dead and not eat brains.
So is Walmart a verb now?
As in, “I’m out of clean underwear, so I’m going to have to Walmart it today.”
My weight? That’s on a need to know basis and I don’t need to know!
Today I found out my nephew is scared of the vacuum..
Today I also found out I have a very dark cruel evil side to me..
I don’t like the person you become when I’m on my period.
One cool thing about being 33 is that people who are 50 think you might as well be 22 and people who are 22 think you might as well be 50
He died doing what he loved, annoying the hell out of me and not believing I would stab him.
Me: I might give this money to that homeless guy
Wife: Do you want it wasted on fast food and alcohol?
Me: No
Wife: Then give it to the homeless guy
I wrote ‘WILL YOU MARRY ME?’ on a balloon. However, before I could propose…
-I popped the question