Having kids is great because you get to ask fun questions like why is there a volleyball in the refrigerator?
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I see all my neighbors out there mowing their lawns and I wonder if they’d come do mine also.
[High school reunion]
Classmate: I’ve been out building schools in Africa
Me: I got banned from the zoo for gluing sideburns onto a dolphin
wife: dont say anythin stupid on the way out
me: i wont
[shakes priest’s hand after lovely wedding ceremony]
me: so are you god’s boyfriend?
Women say they want a guy who can make them laugh. I’d probably have done better if they’d specified that they didn’t mean by tickling.
I once saw a man walk barefoot across hot coals, and I thought, wow, he could’ve just walked around those. Idiot.
Old people like to get up at 4am so they can go sit in chairs and fall back asleep
Wife: Honey, I’m upstairs!
*undresses on the run like Superman*
Be right up!
*stands naked in doorway*
Wife: Do you remember…
Pam: Hi
“The new iPhone 6 is bigger!”
Meh.
“It has more sensors!”
Pfft.
“You can block group texts.”
I WOULD LIKE ONE THOUSAND OF YOUR IPHONE
I don’t always sleep well, but when I do, it’s 5mins before the alarm goes off
No one:
Me: Is my body still under warranty?
“Yes, waiter, why does it say “there ain’t no rats in it” next to the lasagna?”:
Cause there ain’t no rats in it
“But why woul
AIN’T NO RATS
I have a black cat called Blackie and a fish called Fishface, so I get it guy who named the Walkie talkie.
Exoskeleton: how a skeleton signs a Valentine’s Day card
May just keep repeating the phrase “YOU DO YOU” to my coworkers until one of them sucker punches me.
Quick question, how long do you have to drive around with a cracked windshield before it magically fixes itself? It’s been two weeks and I think I’m doing something wrong.
[Pharrell eating at Arby’s]
“I want a new look”
Like a new hair cut?
“Something crazier”
*notices the hat in the Arby’s logo*
“I’ve got it!”
“This is a terrible wine tasting event. ” – me at church.
When my doctor diagnosed me with squid magnet syndrome I had a lot of questi… [a squid hits me in the face at 900mph killing me instantly]
Director: Ok, this time you have to say the butter part
Owen Wilson: wow
Director: The whole thing Owen, “Wow, I can’t believe it’s not butter”
Owen Wilson: wow
there’s a lot of rumors going around about me about how I exaggerate the number of rumors going around about me
I don’t give a damn what the horoscopes say, get you a girl born in February. Amethyst is one of the cheaper birthstones and if you play your cards right you can do one of those Birthday-Valentine’s Day combo celebrations.
Getting bitten by a radioactive spider didn’t quite turn out the way Mittens imagined
My seven year old reported to me today that the tooth fairy wasn’t paying him a fair wage compared to his peers and claimed that all his friends earn a liveable wage from tooth loss
Woman love a men with good grammar
Make there knees week by writing them a love letter or too.
Ask your doctor if Drugs™ are right for you. If he says no give him a wedgie and stuff him in a locker he is a nerd.
*slides a cheese slice with my number written on it in your pocket*
Just ruined another 3yo’s life by failing to find a non existent toy they didn’t bring to school
Aisle 3: oh my god hi!
Aisle 5: haha hi
Aisle 9: yeah hello…
Aisle 10: [little smile]
Aisle 13: I swear to god I will cut you if I see your face again-Death spiral of a friendship when you keep running into them at Target
For a cat named Jingles, his tambourine accompaniment to my blistering bongo solo isn’t that impressive.
When the rapture happens at a midwestern nondenominational church.