I WON’T STAND FOR THIS IDIOCY!
*sits*
Ok, proceed.
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running chickens are hilarious in a velociraptor kind of way
I noticed the trim on one of our garage doors was hanging weirdly. I figured no big deal as these are pretty old garage doors so I started to fix it…
5 yo: Mommy did that.
Me: Did what?
5 yo: She hit that with her car.
Me: Wow bro. Sold out your own mother.
Some of you never rooted for Godzilla and it shows.
[ bob ross paints over me with a tree ]
I believe extraterrestrials arrived on Earth via flying lavatories. I believe in scientoiletgy, my friends.
Wife: You call this a gift?
Husband: Well, when that other guy brought you same thing..
Wife: You mean our dog?
My sister and I were in an elevator and a lady got huffy and told us to speak English, so we obliged her and continued our conversation about her in English.
My cat, an idiot: Those ornaments look exactly like my toys. Why can’t I play with them?
Me, pinnacle of animals: That felt frog wearing a top hat is to celebrate The Lord
Inside of you are 2 wolves.
One eats a grammy and the other gets domesticated.
piñata: harder daddy
me: [lifts blindfold] what
piñata: let me wear the blindfold
fred flintstone: I’ve got a problem with my car
podiatrist: let’s take a look
No thanks, marriage. If I wanted to stop getting laid I would just start wearing crocs.
My daughter said my stomach looks like sad oatmeal and now she’s signed up for summer school
My brain forces me to relive traumatic moments over and over and over and over, but it won’t tell me where I left my laptop charger.
My girlfriend will only have sex with me if i imitate her favourite electrical appliance. Tbh i’m not a fan
Even on your worst days, an identity thief wants to be you more than you want to be yourself and that’s beautiful
I bought my 7 yo light pink bedsheets & she keeps referring to them as her “skin sheets” and telling me how creepy they are.
“I’m going to bed now but I want you to know these skin sheets are terrifying”
Suit: It says here you’re “dramatic” and “nonsensical”?
Me [forward somersault, grabs resume]: Sorry that’s a typo, it should say “sandpaper pickles”.
Wife: I’m leaving with the kids if you don’t stop pretending our house is a hospital
Me: That would be great, we really need the beds
Bring back the McRib
Plucked an unruly wiry white hair from my head and then missed it instantly 😔
Give yourself something to look forward to tomorrow: Text a friend, “I think you owe me an apology,” then turn off your phone and go to bed
My wife:“That’s not the shirt I sent her to daycare in.”
Me:“But it’s the right kid?”
Wife: “Yes.”
Me: “Awesome. I’m going to play Xbox”
If you guys need me I’ll be strutting confidently through a parking lot toward a car that turns out not to be mine.
I hope when I get old, my motorized wheelchair is fast enough the catch the ice cream truck.
I don’t want your undivided attention. I want your multiplied attention. Make clones of yourself and give me all of their attention too.
if you’re not easily offended, why are you even here?
Oh, you’re with child? That’s cool. I’m with vodka.
*rubs belly*
Hostess:There’s a 45 min wait
Me:Do you know who I am? I have THOUSANDS of followers!
H:Let me ask my manager
*2 min later
H:It’ll be 43 min
My 3yo demanded I eat breakfast in bed this morning. Which I’m hoping is a good enough explanation when my doctor asks why I have a belly fully of plastic donuts and chicken thighs.