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I installed a mirror inside my fridge to make it look fuller, and now I have two empty fridges.
[Sexting]
HER: Tell me what you want
ME: A sequel to Ratatouille
HER: No! Tell me what you want in bed
ME: Oh! *gets in bed* a sequel to Ratatouille
Took the kids to the beach and I now I need to know if I drive the sand back myself or if someone will come pick it up from me
[sending smoke signals]
*your*
*house*
*is*
*on*
*fire*
[pulling my wife out of the sewer]
her: this is why you have to put the toilet seat down
Lady was pissy when I insisted on walking with her to the parking lot, but it was raining and she had an umbrella.
I won’t tell anyone if I win the lottery, but if I did, you’d see someone else cutting all this damn grass.
Hey people – learn to spell!!!
I mean my co-workers. Twitter, you guys actually do pretty well, considering half of you are probably drunk.
Rosetta Stone says they’ll have me speaking another language in a month. Babbel says one week. But this bourbon only takes, like, an hour.
This salad tastes like I’ll be eating spaghetti at midnight. 😒
Who called it a “Monk that can dunk” instead of an “Air Friar?”
My wife and I have different beliefs about death. I want to be cremated when I die, and she wants to cremate me now.
People just said “go to the gym” they never mentioned that you have to actually do things when you get there I’ve been doing this so wrong.
Trump says that Obama founded ISIS but in his defense Donald thinks that founded is a synonym for “located”
Mom made me take Millie to the prom. With her dark hair and big, brown eyes, I didn’t argue. Horseshoes can sure wreck a gymnasium floor.
[first date]
Him: I used to have a lazy eye but I had corrective surgery.
Me [trying to impress]: My entire body’s lazy.
[At a child’s birthday party, holding a poorly taxidermied possum]
I heard someone likes stuffed animals!
“I hate confrontation”
“No, you don’t”
Me: Send prudes.
Her: Wait, did you mean nudes?
Me: What? Ew. No.
My girlfriend told me she needed a hip replacement. So I found a vegan yoga instructor that let’s me do whatever I want.
My stylist: Your hair is dry and damaged.
Me: Hey! I think it’s fine.
My stylist: Yes, that too.
Keep reading this tweet, I don’t want you to see me steal your donut
I love how you guys shit on Lohan, Hilton and Kardashian. If one of those bitches said a word to you fools, your balls would explode.
Humans: [being replaced by shapeshifting lizards] ok everyone be on the lookout for people hanging out under heat lamps or eating lots of crickets.
I don’t stroke my beard to seem wise. I’m just trying to get the crumbs out before you notice.
[looking at wife as firefighters cut me out of baby swing at playground]
It doesn’t say its specifically for babies, Karen
Don’t act like you’ve never used a pair of binoculars to try to peer through another pair of binoculars.
Who knew a midlife crisis could have so few convertibles and so many cats?
My new driver’s license picture doesn’t look anything like me.
*tapes a little picture of an iPhone over half my face
Now it looks like me.
Maybe Millennials aren’t having children because we lived through the nightmare of raising Tamagotchis. :/