Don’t waste your money on lip plumping glosses. Just eat ghost pepper chicken.
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My mom just asked me if the yams are organic like she didn’t raise me on penicillin steroid cow meat and food coloring
friend: ”how’s life?“
me: ”everything’s on track thanks“the track:
Me: I have to go I’m almost at the cry doctor
Wife: you mean the eye doctor right?
Me parking at my therapists office: yeah, of course
Standup desk? Sure then I’ll pay someone to whack me in the kneecaps too
If you encounter a bear in the wilderness, sing a Coldplay song. You’ll die, but the bear will suffer too.
If you tell me having a dog is the same as having a kid then I’m going to assume you yell at your dog to keep his pants on at Wal-Mart.
[1994]
Me: 2020 is gonna be wild. Flying cars, robots everywhere, a technologically advanced utopia.
[2019]
Me: Ayyy my toaster can play the Goo Goo Dolls.
My wife says I’m addicted to generalizations but isn’t everyone some kind of addict?
I would pay extra for a grocery store app that alerts me to the checkout line filled with people who apparently have never gone through a grocery store checkout line before in their life.
me: i’m in love with you
therapist: *buzzes secretary* cancel my 10 o’clock
me: but I’m your 10 o’clock
I’m not a regular Mom.
I’m a “YOU BETTER DIE IN YOUR VIDEO GAME BECAUSE DINNER IS READY IN 5 MINUTES!” Mom.
you: this is my avocado peeler, and this is my avocado masher, and this is my avocado slicer…
me: fork.
Me as a bachelor contestant: “you’re not talking to any other girls, right?”
Me: I’m feeling short of breath.
Her: Maybe it’s because you just climbed the stairs after eating an entire party-sized bag of chips?
Me: *rolls eyes* I didn’t put the chips in my lungs, Brenda.
The kitchen trash will be overflowing and my kids will keep stacking garbage on top like they’re playing Jenga.
Mom Holds Knife To Throat Of Dinner Guest Who Offered To Help With Dishes
Cargo shorts need insulated side pockets so people can always have access to a hot and tasty pork chop.
Thanks for telling me this is your “pet cat” because otherwise I might have thought it was your business associate cat.
*hits bong*
*abuses bong*
*bong calls bong protection agency*
*bong custody taken*
*bong put in foster home*
*bong misses old life*
Coworker: Can you keep a secret?
Me: Nope.
I want the immune system of this barefoot man in 7-Eleven
“I should probably start filling this thing out.”
-I say about my son’s baby memory book on his wedding day.
If dog hair were a commodity, I’d be tweeting this from my yacht.
“911, what’s your emergency?”
“Hi. Long time listener, first time caller.”
“That’s really funny.”
“Thank you. Anyways, I’m being stabbed.”
[Boss stands at my desk] Can I see you in my office?
[I stare curiously] You can see me here, right?
ME: shouldn’t i, the one who has accumulated all the debt, be known as the debt collector?
DEBT COLLECTOR: *muffled whispering*
ME:
DEBT COLLECTOR: i’ll call you back
Wasted my annual good hair day at work again this year.
Today we pretended we were dining out and it felt so real because right after the first bite my kids decided to go potty
ME: *holding my crying newborn son* There. There. I ALSO find myself very upsetting.
Ok whatever idiot taught my kids that they’re beautiful just the way they are, can you tell them they still need to bathe.