“Treat Others the Way You Want to be Treated”
*Buys everyone snacks
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When people introduce a statement with “Not gonna lie,” it fills me with confidence in their honor and commitment to veracity.
*puts on sexy underwear and high heels*
*grabs whip*
*flicks whip*
*searches for scissors to extricate whip from hair*
Unsolved Mysteries: We don’t know what happened, and now neither do you.
So you’ve had white presidents, a black president and now an orange one. I’m crossing my fingers for the Hulk next time around.
The easiest way to find out if a movie is on Netflix is to simply ask yourself “do I want to see it?” If you do, it’s not on Netflix.
My Dad has accidentally bought 60 pairs of reading glasses off the internet after misreading the quantity of his order.
Zookeeper: we suspect one of you stole a giraffe
Zoo employee 1: oh no
Zoo employee 2: oh no
Me: [knitting a tremendously long scarf] oh no
plot twist: satan sold his soul to me
Therapist: And what do we say when we feel like this?
Me: That’s show biz baby
Therapist: No
Heath: I’m Heath
Heather: I’m Heather
Me, competitive: I’m Heathest
My grandma married 2 men named Grover. I think she just had a thing for the name Grover, because she also married 2 women named Grover
I went into a store with my kid and came out with a different one by accident. This one is a keeper. He says he does brake work. Well see.
I’m implementing a new policy in my house: any child who is awake past bedtime can either go to sleep or clean the oven, no exceptions
Why hasn’t there been a blind dating show where they just try each others cooking first?
1st base is watching horror movies together. 2nd base is asking if they think birds are real. 3rd base is determining whether they are prepared for a zombie apocalypse. Home base is abandoning society & moving into the woods together.
*Holding a banana like a phone* (texting)
My kids are so aware that I’m a bad driver that if I start the car before they have their seatbelts on, they cry.
Work tip: if you’re going to ask your boss if you can “work from home”, don’t use air quotes.
Mugger: “Hand over your stuff! No funny business!”
*I give him my wallet and phone but not my business proposal to open a clown college*
I can’t prove it, but from the sound of it, I’m pretty sure there’s an injured dolphin stuck in my dishwasher.
I wouldn’t wish death on an enemy but I would wish being accidentally hit in the back of the ankle with a grocery cart.
Dog: Take me out! I need to poop!
Me: Okay, we’re out, go potty
Dog: My bad. I meant I need to poop tomorrow. Thanks for the walk though
Me: IT’S 2AM!
the collective noun for a group of reply guys is an audacity
Child: I can’t wait to be older.
Me [tweezing grey hairs growing out of my ear]: There is literally no greater joy.
Humans are 58% water. Jellyfish are 95% water. Therefore, humans are 61% jellyfish.
Someone asked us to sign a petition in favor of backyard chickens and now my kids have a new idea for a pet
I walked down a street where the houses were numbered 64K, 128K, 256K, 512K and 1MB. That was a trip down memory lane.
I once snuck my cat into a grocery store just to show him what a lazy hunter I am.
My pants had a harsh talk with me this morning and said enough is enough or they’re going to split
Yard reviews
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Amazing milkshakes”⭐☆☆☆☆
“Too many boys”