Me: Mom’s recovery from from hip replacement is going well. She’s getting smurfy on her feet.
Friend: LOL! Smurfy? You mean sturdy, right?
Me: The big white shoes and blue legs are a bit weird but she’s adapting.
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therapist: so what’s troubling you?
me: my parents taught me to be so polite that now i have trouble taking up any emotional real estate
therapist: and how does that make you feel?
me: fine
The Hello Kitty stickers on your woodchipper suggest that you’re whimsically murdery.
Ice cream is clearly God’s way of telling us he likes us a little bit chubby.
[math class]
How would you order a Subway footlong in metric countries where they don’t have feet?
“By crawling to the counter?”
GET OUT
inventor: “i’ve made the most realistic sex doll in the world, ask it something”
me: “ok, um.. shall we go upstairs?”
doll: “i like you as a friend”
me:
inventor:
me: “do you have anything less realistic”
These childbearing hips have yet to turn one single child into a bear and frankly, I’m disappointed.
I think it’s safe to take the fax numbers off our business cards, now, everybody.
When you meet your one true soulmate, you just know. I knew it immediately with my first three.
*hears giggling kids
7: Then baby cows can just walk into my house!
Me (in the bathroom): WHAAAAT?
What idiot called it a successful vasectomy and not getting out of the gene pool
The last time I danced at a party, someone told me I looked like a wildebeest on a frozen lake.
You know you have a good therapist when he takes his shoes off, curls up in the chair with snacks and says, “next session is free, this story is too good.”
Any time a car with its hazards on passes me, I panic thinking I’ve wandered into a funeral procession and now I have to lie to a dead stranger’s family.
“We ran out of guacamole so I mashed up one of those worms from the tomato plants and put it on your burrito. It looked kinda the same.”
Went on blind date, woke up in bathtub with kidney gone. 6 out of 10, would date again.
ohh u don’t think my farm is real cuz the only crop i’m growing is burritos well pls excuse me while i cry into this fresh hot tortilla
Got Christmas card glitter all over me and now I can’t stop stripping.
Johnny Depp always looks like he is just as confused by his “accent”
Apparently on Facebook you can “like” that someone “liked” something. I just liked the movie “Inception”, and now we wait.
My son doesn’t always throw up, but when he does, he’s already in bed.
My teen yelled at me for not waking her up for school. She’s in the shower & I’m wondering when she realizes it’s Sunday. This is beautiful.
Very funny, whoever wrote WASH ME in the dust on my box of condoms.
Sometimes words are just not enough
And for such occasions, I have this flamethrower
Came home to find our Roomba had gone rogue, stolen our bath mat and crashed into a wall, before giving up and dying
quite the party
Met a man named Drew like 3 days ago. We exchanged numbers. This morning I woke up in a group chat, started by his alleged wife, with 8 other women. It’s been comedy and chaos ever since 😂.
doctor: what is it?
me: *pulling down pants* is this normal?
doctor: not in the middle of the street it isn’t
Me: I don’t understand why no one takes me seriously.
Also me: *wearing Cheetos like walrus tusks*
Husband: *choking on a Dorito*
Me: Wait. When did we get Doritos?
IKEA violently attacking me for not having any friends
Whenever I tell her that I want to put my Butterfinger into her MilkyWay, she Snickers.