This day in history. 1965. The Who’s equipment van was stolen while they were inside the Battersea Dogs Home choosing a dog to guard their van.
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Sorry I dressed up your babies for a cowboys and Indians reenactment.
It was super cute until the smallpox incident.
*having an ultrasound*
dr: baby is looking healt…hang on..
patient: omg what!?
dr: there appears to be an intruder in your womb.
patient: intruder?
dr: *yelling at stomach* TURN AROUND HE’S BEHIND YOU
nurse: umm i think she is having twins?
dr: *exhaling* oh thank god.
90% of marriage is one person looking for something where the other said it would be and yelling that it’s not there
I try not to snack at night, but the cheese in my fridge haunts me. What if I die in my sleep and NO ONE EATS IT?
If you pitch a non-superhero, non-remake, non-sequel film in Hollywood they send your family to a work camp.
How did we decide to go with cockpit?
Don’t let fear stop you from living.
Zombies will take care of that.
Middle of the night In bed:
*Loud noise*
Wife – Did you hear that?
Me –
Wife – I said did you hear that?
Me (under the bed) – Yes
I got soap in my shower beer again.
The older I get, the less ‘life in prison’ becomes a deterrent.
beauty:
beast:
beauty: *sips tea*
beast: *sips tea*
beauty:
beast:
beauty: was this inside mrs. potts—
beast: you know I’ve been too scared to ask
you learn something new every day oh god make it stop
“Every action has an equal and opposite reaction.”
– Isaac Newton, observing me on a date
A drop of roof water hit my face and I reacted like it was liquid herpes.
Whoever designated mini cupcakes as “two-bite” has greatly underestimated my #cupcake eating abilities.
Stayed up to watch the clock go from 1:59 to 1:00 am because you know, time travel
I just saw my 25-year-old son run water on a slice of pizza to cool it off. I need to sit down.
BOSS: What’s going on here?
ME: Dave’s mad because he specifically labelled his sandwich in the fridge and I accidentally-
DAVE: Not accidentally, on purpose!!
ME: ugh ok FINE. And I, “on purpose”, slept with his wife
Of course I want to connect with my high school boyfriend’s mom thank you LinkedIn.
I miss being the age where the most devastating thing in the world was when my sandwiches got cut into squares instead of triangles.
If cats had a cellphone, you’d have 6,729 TikTok notifications from a video they uploaded knocking your vase off the counter.
If dogs had a cellphone, you’d have 42 texts and 3 missed FaceTime calls from when you dared to go to the restroom alone.
BUZZFEED: Is Internet Clickbait Dumbing Down Society?
Lick your fingers & stick them in a power socket to learn the shocking answer.
Me: Why is my phone making this odd noise when I use it?
Verizon Service Rep: *listens* It’s playing Backstreet Boys
Me: Tell me WHY
Rep: Ain’t nothing but a mistake
5yo: Mommy, how do you know those things?
Me: Well, I’m smart, kiddo.
5yo: *hesitates* I guess so.
“Whoever’s in charge of this music sucks”
This is a funeral. Show some respect.
“Whoever’s in charge of this music sucks, sir.”
it’s sweet how my son likes to swing by and check on me when his rent is due
Everyone’s gangsta till you’re waiting on your dog to poop.