@sachinsebastian: I work 24/7 - which is about 3.42 hours.
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@kashmir_lover1: According to my gym trainer, I need to cut back on drinking According to my bartender, I look great Moral of the story: I'm drunk
@Ndeshi_M: Colleague: Quick, the boss is on her way! Me: That’s weird I swear that I didn’t hear her broomstick!
@rolldiggity: New Parent Idea: 1. Take pictures of you pulling baby out of spacecraft in forest. 2. Hide pictures in attic for kid to find when he's 10.
@rumsnipe: Mechanic : your motor is losing power and it won't last long. Me : you been talking to my wife bro?