I had a rough childhood. I saw things that no one should ever have to see. For example, The Phantom Menace.
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[eating cured meats and mixed cheeses while jumping out of an airplane] lmao pacharcuterie
I read all men’s tweets in the voice of Homer Simpson. Especially the sex tweets.
houseguest: is this a pull out couch
me: no we kind of just hope for the best
Me: “Would you like to go on a date?”
Her: “Yes”
Me: “Yeah, it’s cool, I was kind of kidding anyway.”
“Wait, what?!”
Why would a straight guy hate gay guys?
Here’s a group of men who look better than you.. but don’t even want women.
You should be glad.
My daughter helped make dinner and decided to cook the entire box of spaghetti so if any of you gets hungry in like the next month and half hit us up
Always use your best photos for your profile on FB.
Cause those are the photos the media will use if something horrible happens to you.
NEIGHBOR: dude, that’s the scariest costume I’ve ever seen. I love Halloween.
ME: [wiping blood off my chainsaw onto my apron] costume?
My 12 year old son is going to his first play with us tonight. I convinced him that everyone wears fanny packs to plays. We had to go buy him one at Walmart, but it will be worth it.
I think I will start calling my wife “My Customer” since she is always right…
Me: Sleeps three hours.
Brain: That’ll do.
In addition to dental offices, the following should be allowed to offer nitrous oxide:
•car dealerships
•gynecologists
•children’s birthday parties when parents have to stay and wait
•nail salons
•work meetings that last longer than 30 minutes
•baby showers
new tattoo]
them: cool! what is it?
me: it’s an abstract depiction of beauty; the juxtaposition of the lyrical and the grotesque[after 50 people had asked]
them: what is it?
me: it’s a squirrel
Bird: *flies into my office window*
Me: yeah, same.
Being with you is like listening to golf on the radio.
Is 4 too young to release your kid out into the wild?
Baked beans are like regular beans except they can’t stop laughing, love munchies and sleep on your couch.
Costco ….
Because you never know when your
aquarium could explode ….and you really need those 96 rolls
of paper towels.
69% of people find something dirty in every sentence.
[date]
HER: Do you like Star Wars?
ME: Of course
HER: Which character do you identify with?
ME: *leans in close* The complete void of space
I said goodbye to everyone at a party and then mistakenly walked into a closet and was too embarrassed to walk back out so I live here now.
Me: I think our son is feeling ostrichsized
Wife: Don’t you mean ostracized?
*son enters, feathered, elongated neck and legs*
Me: No
{swallowed by a whale}
Me: gross. It’s so-
Whale: don’t you say it
Me: MOIST. I said it’s MOIST in YOUR MOUTH!!!
Whale: *throws me up*
Material possessions mean nothing to me.
*breaks phone*
I don’t think I can make it through this week.
I want my kids to know they can always talk to me about anything going on in their lives.
Except Fortnite.
People in Arab nations are still wondering what all the western world hub bub about hump day and camel toe is about.
*appears in puff of smoke at a public pool*
“Warning, what you’re about to see may shock you!”
Hey! What are y-
*touches live wire to water*
After dating me for a month and telling me he’s in danger and needs money, the tinder swindler would’ve been shocked when I said “that’s crazy, what you gonna do?”
doctor: we had to remove your appendix
JRR Tolkien: but that’s where I explain why elves hate dwarves
I used to be embarrassed when people held my money up in the light to check for fraud but now it’s just another atta girl that my art degree and life of crime is paying off.