Happy weekend !
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*watches him dance*
*whispers* I’ve made a huge mistake.
My hair stylist asked for a pic so she could assess my hair for a comeback appointment and I was just told she suddenly left the country.
MY ANCESTOR: [running full speed through a field to avoid a lion]
ME: [in an air conditioned gym realizing i forgot my earbuds] no way i can run like this
by this time next year, Ariana Grande’s eyelashes will be so long that male peacocks will challenge her for dominance
My term for half of a 13×9 pan of brownies is “dessert”.
My term for the other half is “breakfast”.
*house explodes into flames*
Kids: mom, what’s for dinner?
6 months ago I made a commitment to myself to get healthy and today I’m still fat because I didn’t do any of it.
Me *pointing gun* give me all your money
Bank teller: um that’s a water pistol
Me *aiming at her mouth* I’ve filled it with La Croix
Bank teller: you want it in 20s or
the movie? well… her name is Bella, she’s torn between a hawt werewolf and some kinda disco ball vampire
how was your vacation
Why are normal house sounds suddenly menacing when I’m alone?
Not alone: Hears creaking. It’s the wind.
Alone: Hears creaking. Yup, that’s an ax murderer.
Well, you know when you start cooking something & go to check Twitter real quick?
Fireman: ….
{Twirls hair} Can I try on your fancy hat?
Mistletoe is my favorite Christmas tradition that sounds like a cool as shit superpower.
Mechanic: What’s the mileage on your car?
Me, panicking: Umm, 106.7 KROQ
Mechanic: Isn’t that a radio station?
Me: On second thought, I’m good with the old oil.
A thick layer of mayonnaise on all your furniture will remove water rings from wood and unwanted guests from your house.
Boy, I hate small talk.
*coworkers all grimace*
He’s right behind me isn’t he?
*Small talk starts cracking his knuckles*
It’s as though the guy beside me in traffic earlier had never seen a woman take her bra off without removing her shirt before
Drinking wheatgrass juice is a great way to know what being a lawnmower tastes like.
Produce is too expensive. Do you have any amateur duce?
5yo: Mom is 47!
Husband: She doesn’t look a day over 40.
Me: I’m 37.
Me: I hope you pee your pants, teach you not to hold it in!
My daughter: You shouldn’t wish for that..you’re the one that does the laundry!
Just found an egg in my armpit. These kids are getting better and better at hiding them every year.
If you didn’t want me to object to this wedding maybe you shouldn’t have had a cash bar
[at my funeral]
*casket falls onto the floor*Mum: that’s the quickest I’ve ever seen him move
Dad: lol owned
If anyone asks I got this cardigan from a vending machine
I bet if Bruce Banner had children he’d be the Hulk more than 90% of the time.
The bath is too wet
– reason 101 my toddler is tantruming
*first time seeing a musical
“WHY ARE THEY DOING THAT?!! FOR THE LOVE OF GOD MAKE IT STOP!”
A millennial told me that he and his friends weren’t on Twitter anymore because it was for old people now. I was like, “Finally, we won!”