I work for the government which means I have to enter 2 passwords in order to print documents that are open to the public.
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Welcoming 2023 with the same energy.
My sister teaches 1st grade. A boy in her class had a tantrum and screamed “I hate you!” and she gently replied “I know. It doesn’t matter.”
All this construction in my area makes me realize how many weapons are just randomly lying around.
“if your electricity goes out, you come see me before you do anything else.”
-fuse box on a power trip.
Bought a cat collar with a bell on it, and now I can’t sneak up on the cat to put it on her.
Me: Sorry can’t come over, I’m snowed in
MIL: But it’s the middle of summer
Me: snowed in
MIL: and hot
Me: snowed in
MIL: it sum…
Me: SNOW
Everything that is wrong with America, in one image.
Make a birthday wish for mutant lung power then blow away your cake, your party guests, your house, car, trees, etc.
Confession: My dad is a Pastor & I play the piano at church when I’m home. I religiously play R&B songs during portions of the service to see who notices. I’ve been playing “Between the sheets” by the Isley Brothers for almost 6 months and today my mom finally noticed.
Me: *eating turkey*
Cartographer: My work!
•stay calm
•don’t run away
•don’t turn your back
•don’t make loud noises-how to handle a mountain lion encounter and also how to react when your teenager, unprompted, sits down and talks to you
A person followed me and then unfollowed me within 3 minutes. How can they judge me after only seeing 47 tweets?
[she comes home with a doggy bag]
Her: Here, boy, I have a treat for you *sounds of the dog & I fighting to the death*
men are simple creatures
The liquor store clerk just wished me Merry Christmas like he’s not going to see me 8 more times before then.
Threw some protein bars in the trash & now the raccoons are bench pressing my neighbors Great Dane in the backyard.
Can’t wait for this manhunt to be over so I can stop dyeing my hair.
My favorite thing to do when my grandkids visit is to bake a big batch of fresh cookies.
Then I eat them all by myself.
Screw those kids.
rt if you’d call your friend just to tell them that potatoes came to japan in 1600
Customer: can you help me?
Me: whoa hey look lady, I just work here okay?
PARKOUR
Mere moments after taking screen time away from my 6yr old as punishment I realized my grave mistake, the person really being punished was me.
I bet you could move to the UK and start calling people a, “bleeding tea cozy mop ringer” and it would eventually catch on
*arrives late to the Time Management Skills meeting*
I keep my punching bag next to the fridge to let out my anger when there’s nothing to eat.
Charcuterie is french for “I touched every single piece of this food, enjoy”.
CAMEL 1: Hey can u hold this for me for one sec?
CAMEL 2: I would but I kinda have a lot on my back right now..
CAMEL 1: It’s one straw Marvin don’t be like that
I gave up my ambition to be a wizard after I accidentally turned a frog into a corporate advertising executive.
My dad: what kind of dog is that?
Me: Rhodesian Ridgeback.
Dad: Rhode Island douche bag?
Me: close enough.
Dinner is a great time for my family to come together to tell each other exactly what is wrong with the meal I made.