I work hard.
I play hard.
I do the groceries hard.
I cook hard.
I read hard.
I laugh hard.
I watch tv hard.– Viagra addict
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when i wake up with no”good morning baby” text 😡
The cheapest way to make your lips look fuller is to trip on a dog toy, land flat on your face, then sit back and enjoy the swelling.
Anyone else’s grandma used to slip them a five dollar bill like the mob bribing a witness not to testify?
“…just don’t tell your mother.”
crazy how before dating apps the only way to meet someone was to bump headfirst into them while carrying a huge stack of important papers
Maybe the reason Miss Piggy is still single is she has a fear of kermitment
Advice tip for people: 1 stick hand in glue 2 stick hand in feather 3 now you are like bird. Impress your friend.
Nothing refreshes my memory of what I need at the grocery store like coming home from the grocery store.
Dated a mime once – God was it good – he did sooooo many ~unspeakable things~to me ….
I just got this twitter error: “The server understood your request but is refusing to fill it.” Apparently, twitter thinks we’re married.
Wife: when did we get a new dishwasher
Me: u said change the dishwasher & stack the baby
Wife: how do u stack a baby
Me: u get other babies
Forgot the word tree so I just said bush on a stick
I dropped my popcicle in the tub. I’m awfully sad. It was banana. Now it just tastes like bubble bath.
Thoughts & prayers for my son who thought his phone was charging overnight only to find he must go to school on 6%.
[last meal on death row]
“Pepper?”
*nods*
“Say when”
*winks to camera*
i’m addicted to Youtubers who think their catchphrase is truly like “hey guys” and then they release merch that says “hey guys” and it sells out and they make $1 million and then they get to go to the doctor and I don’t
Pretending to WFH while my mom is around is way worse than actually working.
She’s on to me. I can feel her breath behind my neck…
[meeting at amc network]
“Okay so how can we make everyone in Walking Dead look like they smell even worse this season?”
If it comes down to me and a plate of fried food, there will only be one victor. And that victor will be slightly nauseous and have the meat sweats.
No, I don’t wish to see “offensive replies”
what is this, a family reunion?!
Good vacation so far, aside from the faceless man telling us “You will never leave this island.”
I’m glad that when you shoot, you shoot to kill … because shooting to merely wound seems kinda mean.
Adult: If it ain’t broke don’t fix it
Child: If it ain’t breakable, not interested
ME: we need to take actionable steps to combat climate change
ME: *after two glasses of wine* i will do it. i will fight the freaking sun
Sometimes you have to put your phone down and take a look at what’s around you..
And wonder how you drove your car into a swimming pool.
If I had a nickel for every time I had a nickel I would just continue getting nickels until I had all the nickels.
My mom- I need you to fix my email
Me- What’s your email address?
My mom- Verizon
Maybe next year… ☔️
#GreatBritishSummer #Rain
If a 4-year-old says, “I’m scared there’s a monster living under my bed” Don’t reply, “Oh, that’s where he’s been hiding.”
I know that now.
the closest I’ve ever come to a threesome was when I was mowing the lawn and I got hit in the face by two dragonflies having sex in mid air
“By the way, actions don’t speak!” — Words.