@13spencer: I work in the entertainment industry, so the only way I could lie more is if I worked in politics.
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@CelebrityGaucho: [Spelling bee, to clench victory] "O,P... (hesitates) A,W,E,S,O,M,E." Judges? (Opossum judges whispering for a bit) Correct.
@Dawn_M_: My friend got a tattoo of his wife's name so I guess he loves her as much as he loves barbed wire.
@MatCro: Me: "Aw, your baby is cute. How old?" Woman: "Thanks, she's 34 weeks. Do you have the time?" Me: "Sure, it's 972 minutes past midnight."