I work in the entertainment industry, so the only way I could lie more is if I worked in politics.
You Might Also Like
[first day on the job as a drug dealer]
*giggles*
“We don’t have coke, is Pepsi ok?”
*gets stabbed*
I left some new office rules in the break room of an office I don’t work at…
Sometimes I put my cat in the sunroom hoping the coyote who lives out back will charge at it and bounce off the glass.
Me: Do we really have to share my dessert?
Her: Don’t worry, I eat like a bird.
Sorry I turned into a martial arts expert when you tickled me
[Deleting all work emails]
THESE DON’T BRING ME JOY!
Son: Dad, how do you satisfy a lady?
Dad: First you rub her all over
Son: Makes sense
Dad: Then you wait 24 hours
Son: huh?
Dad: I make my own sauce
Son: this is just your bbq technique
Dad: Slow and low, that’s the secret
me: I think my hippo might be dying
vet: sir, that’s a really really fat horse
me: BECAUSE IT ATE MY HIPPO
My my husband’s favorite thing is when I blame him for losing something that’s actually in my hand.
“The best things in life are free.”
– Kleptomaniac
My husband gets into the holiday spirit by saying JESUS CHRIST over and over while putting up the Christmas tree.
idea for a black mirror episode: a technology called IceBox™ is invented to store food past its natural lifespan by keeping it cold. a man uses the technology to keep some fruit fresh overnight so he can have them for breakfast in the morning, but his roommate, a poet, eats them
Just once I wanna slide down a dinosaur at the end of my workday, is that so much to ask for?
Ok you with pneumonia, go sit between the perfectly healthy lady and the guy with the blood shooting out of his leg
and wait.
-hospitals
Person: Aw! How old is your dog?
Me: (whispering) I don’t know. (Covers dog’s ears) She’s adopted.
I may not be the brightest crayon in the tool shed but at least I’m great at analogies.
“Are you really 43?”
Me: “who lies about being 43?”
Where do cicadas go when they’re not screaming? I’d like to go there and scream.
People whose TL is only quotes from famous people—You do realize you’re not a desk calendar, right?
Find a man who strokes your hair and says how soft it is and doesn’t even care that it’s on your legs.
Me: We have communication issues, trust issues and she’s passive aggressive
*Therapist slowly turns to the other chair and looks at the GPS*
Twitter has actually made me smarter. I proofread, I verify spelling and punctuation. Downside is I am now mute and haven’t bathed in days.
I got robbed last night but in the best way possible: I was pickpocketed which means I didn’t even have to talk to the person who robbed me.
*bringing a parachute as my hand luggage on any Boeing flight from here on in
Tomi Lahren is pretty confident for a person whose first and last names are both misspelled
Overheard on the bus:
“Stop eavesdropping on our conversation, it’s creepy and you won’t get any funny tweets out of it”
Took the batteries out the smoke detector for the TV remote cos I’d rather suffocate & burn to death beyond recognition in my sleep than get up to change channel.
“You’re joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?” -Jesus #GoodFriday
Hey old couples. Email addresses are free. You can each have your own. Wait… Just gave that more thought. Forget it. Keep sharing.
ME: My dog’s so happy I’m working from home.
DOG (to camera): Honestly, a heads up would have been nice. I had shit planned today.