@Iwriteforcats: I work out by ordering a small drink at Burger King, then get up 100 times to refill it.
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@yerpalmildsauce: WIFE: How was the first day of space command? ME: *dejectedly taking off my space suit* I messed up and said "laser beans."
@PantsDonkey: Everyone please stop saying that today's date only happens once. EVERY date only happens once, that's how time works.
@evanrhorne: I quit my job today!! The money from that Nigerian king arrives tomorrow, I'm so excited.
@Sassafrantz: Saw a couple wearing surgical masks in public and all I could think was "what do they know that I don't?"