I work out by ordering a small drink at Burger King, then get up 100 times to refill it.
You Might Also Like
I rescued a seagull, taught it karate and named it Steven, so what?
*first day as a lawyer*
Bailiff: All rise for the judge.
Me: *too lazy* Objection.
in the 80s you solved everything with dancing. street fight? dance. parents throw you out of the house? dance. a demonic presence that has surfaced from the bowels of hell as a result of a seance gone wrong? dance.
me: just checkin to see if you’re ok, missed you at dinner
telemarketer who calls at the same time every day: oh hey it’s not a good time, can I call you back
Every time I text this guy, he replies with “Sorry, I’m driving.” It’s been a few days. I’m guessing he’s probably made it to Mexico by now.
Nietzsche: God is dead
God: Nietzsche is dead
[they both turn to camera]
THAT’S RIGHT, WE’RE DEAD SERIOUS ABOUT OUR MATTRESS PRICES
he said he adored my imperfections.
and i was like WHAT IMPERFECTIONS????
When I woke my son up, he growled at me and I was like, “First of all, you need to get ready for school, and second of all, you raise a good point.”
Just saw a tiktok of a family introducing their newborn to their cat and after it smelled the baby it went to another room and threw up LMFAO
“I drive like lightening.” “You drive fast?” “No. I hit trees.”
Him: You are a souless ginger.
Me: Far from it. I’ve collected hundreds of souls. I keep them in an ancient wooden box.
Him: Funny!
Me: If they make too much noise at night I squirt them with the water bottle.
Him: *nervous laugh*
Vulcans are space-elves.
Look at the ears.
Me: Hey, am I too wrinkly?
Daughter: You’re old, that’s going to happen.
Me: I MEANT MY SHIRT.
You learn something new everyday. Yesterday I learned eating 29 SlimJims gives me diarrhea. Today I learned eating 28 also gives me diarrhea
Me: I’m not delusional.
Squirrel: There she goes again.
parents: a large old man with white hair is going to break into the house while you’re sleeping and give you toys
kids: oh worddddd
Become a parent if you want to be judged by your kids on your ability to provide chocolate milk at any given moment and by other parents for being willing to
Is it just me, or are fewer and fewer mustachioed cads tying women to the train tracks these days?
Lawyer: As My Lord knows,…
Judge: Don’t presume I know it, counsel.
Lawyer: Beg pardon. *clears throat* As My Lord ought to know…
The thing that’s wrong with oatmeal raisin cookies is that they’re oatmeal raisin cookies.
I love that technology has advanced so much that Alexa can understand me with my mouth full of crisps
Remember when “anyone can grow up to be President” was aspirational, not an existential threat?
Those who ignore history are doomed to repeat it…
…anyway, my son is taking history again this fall.
Fox: Winter is here. We need a plan to survive.
Bear: I have a great idea! We just sleep until spring.
Goose: Wanna hear migrate idea?
*gets on knees and prays*
Please Harry and Meghan on House Hunters International
My wife must be the slowest reader ever.
I bought her a Kindle last Christmas and she still hasn’t finished it.
Thought I had outsmarted my kid and his friend by telling them the baby monitor was a walkie talkie so I could keep an ear on them… and then the snack requests started.
what if i pushed you against the wall and told you 15 minutes could save you 15 percent or more with Geico.
I work with some really great people. They’re reliable, they’re honest and they never cause any problems. I don’t fit in at all.
by milkshake she means trash and by boys she means raccoons and it’s a real problem in that neighborhood