stop saying millennials aren’t having kids. my posts are my children and I’m deeply disappointed in all of them
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I’ve slept with enough babysitters to know how to raise a kid thanks mom
going ballistic.
anyone need anything?
Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone, but there sure are a lot of unauthorized charges on the credit card.
Chad: But I don’t want to advertise escorts or be known for shady stuff.
Craig: Then I’ll start my own list.
Daniel L. you can do this but you will need many more owls
Days without shaking my head disapprovingly at myself: 0
Ever try spreading really cold butter on toast? I’m like the human version of that.
If you want to get more out of people, squeeze them really hard.
i have good and bad news
Wife: Ok, the bad news?
i didn’t clean out the garage
Wife:*sigh* the good news?
[holds up cat dressed as Thor]
In high school I was best known as “Hey what’s your friends name?”
Can hardly wait until my winter fat turns into spring rolls.
EARTH:
SUN: please dont
EARTH: 🎶you-
SUN: seriously dude come on
EARTH: 🎶spin me right round
SUN: *sigh* 🎶baby right round
EARTH: 🎶like a record baby
SOLAR SYSTEM: 🎶right round round round
Me: Can you call my phone so I can find it?
Teen: UUGGHH. Can’t I just text you?
Narrator: She found her phone. After 387 text messages.
Always amazed when I see people slip guns into the back of their pants. How is that comfortable? How do you not get a weapon wedgie?
ME: What’s the capital of Germany?
SON: G
ME: So college is a no then?!
If Reese’s eggs are buy one get one free, there are 0 calories associated with the free one. Live free my friends.
Me: *showing photos on my phone* that’s my daughter in her play, and that’s my son covered in mud
Colleague without kids: *pointing at his phone* this is me in the Bahamas, and that’s my Porsche
Me: Let’s not do this anymore
I flossed the egg out of my teeth for this?
Felony Insurance, like car insurance but for when you hate someone so much you just have to throw a cinder block through their windshield.
“I can’t eat all of that!”
… and other lies I tell
[changing baby]
Me: I would like a very different baby, please
Hey all,
I regret to admit this, but tonight I took my kids on a walk.
From their intense whining I have come to see that I caused them deep distress by exposure to sunshine, breeze, and friendly waves from neighbors.
Forgive me—I will do better next time.
~a dad, trying
me: Why is Spider Man in the freezer?
7 year old: He knows why
[spills whole tub of salsa on cat]
Oh dang
[grabs chip]
Hold still
[cat starts running away]
I SAID HOLD STILL
My gf told me that I punched her in the face while I was sleeping last night. I apologized because I totally remember being awake for that.
“Anyone can find the switch after the lights are on.”
– Confucius, who died in 479 BCE and was apparently also a time traveler
Hate it when I’m fighting a guy and we create a cloud of dust and then he casually steps out and it’s just me in there.
[phone]
H: What’s for dinner?
M: I’m having vodka. As for you, I have no idea.
H: Should I stop and get something?
M: Yes, more vodka.
The neighbor’s 5yo keeps yelling “are we boyfriend and girlfriend” across the fence at my 5yo, and my kid just came running in the house and slammed the door, so I guess that answers that
I give everyone nicknames because using real names is for people who can remember people’s names.