I work with my husband, so we can write off marital counseling as a business expense, right?
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Getting shit done. Was my response when my boss ask me what I’m doing. And now I’m sitting outside of H.R.
No thanks, Cosmo. I already know 20 ways to drive my man crazy in the bedroom. Any room really. Unintentionally. I’m difficult to be with.
Call me woke but the most offensive name in the kitchen is the Lazy Susan. Susan was not lazy, Susan was smart. Susan is a hero.
When I was a kid, my siblings and I used to shove each other down the stairs in a laundry basket.
I remind my parents about these things when they try to give unsolicited advice.
oh shoot the farmers market was out of cocoa krispies and actually ‘never had them’ and they ‘don’t think I understand what a farmers market is’
I knew that psychic wasn’t legit when she let me write a check.
Me: I spent HALF as much as YOU usually do on groceries.
Wife: Congratulations.
[2 hours later]
Me: We have nothing to eat in this house.
Girl you got more red flags than a well played game of minesweeper
[alarm clock buzzing]
BIRD: [groaning] ah man it’s too early
GOTH WORM: *bangs on window* Wake up you lazy sack of shit and eat my flesh
[First day as a mortician]
Me: Anybody seen my grapes?
[Later]
Widow: *looking down at casket* His eyes look weird
The time between the nurse leaving the room and the doctor entering is for exploring and trying out as many tools as possible
To ensure my wife misses me while I’m away, I changed her text notification to the sound of a door creaking open & message her at midnight.
[emerging from a ten year coma]
my dad: look who finally got up
The worst kind of insomnia is snoring induced insomnia. That’s when every time you start snoring your wife shoves you awake…
Wait one second “Mario Brothers” Implies that Luigi’s name is Luigi Mario and Mario’s name is Mario Mario….What is this I’m smoking again?
I was served a subpoena. I distinctly remember ordering a cheeseburger.
stanley hudson: [on deathbed] I’m amazed I lasted as long as I did
michael scott: that’s what she said
Sex is fine, but have you ever completed every single thing on your to-do list?
We didn’t need tutors when I was a kid, we just cheated
I stole a friend’s phone today and set it so it will autocorrect “I’ve” to “me’ve” and me’m really excited about it.
That little rat from Ratatouille is under Pharrell’s hat pulling his hair to make him dance.
And in that moment, she decided to stand up for herself
Never again would she do what Simon said
ME: *sees my shadow* holy shit i’m a groundhog
All my life, I never thought I’d wake up at 6am to go jogging…and I was right.
[yelling over club noise] I said I want to tell you about my cult
My psychiatrist and I had a major breakthrough.
Now he can hear the voices too.
SEA LION 1: “More like shark *weak* amirite?”
SEA LION 2: “Hahaha”
SHARK: “Hey guys, what ya watching?”
[Sea lions jump onto ceiling fan]
When I hear my kids try to insult each other with “yo momma” jokes, I end up yelling how I’m not fat or stupid.
Netflix: Because you watched that one movie that had Christmas lights in the background of a scene, here are 37 Netflix original holiday movies you might enjoy…
We need a “your body is changing” talk for people turning 40.