I work with some really great people. They’re reliable, they’re honest and they never cause any problems. I don’t fit in at all.
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I have no problem sticking to a diet if I go to sleep right after breakfast.
drive thru: can I take your order?
me: no I want it
*pulls a tiny monocle out of a jar of peanut butter*
OH GOD WHY
Wrapping gifts and one kid has more than the other so to even it up I hope she likes this bag of potatoes.
If someone asks you if you’re in the queue, what they actually mean is “you’re really shit at queuing, aren’t you?”
Every time I burp I feel like my stomach is like, “Hey! Remember when we ate that?”
It’s not everyday you get to see stuff like this
Shoulder Devil: So I say “Go on–do it!” And the moron does it!
Shoulder Angel: What an idiot!
Me: You guys know I can hear you, right?
Me: I couldn’t eat another thing.
Narrator: Oh, she ate another thing. And then some.
I want to be wealthy enough to leave notes for the housesitter like: “If the leopard seems bored, jog him on the treadmill. He can watch The Parent Trap.”
FBI: If you testify you’ll have to go into the Witness Protection Program
ME: I’ll do it
FBI: Your wife and kids too
ME: Oh ok never mind
My ex wife has the only copy of our wedding video, can’t see myself getting married again.
”My intentions are not pure” I whisper as I put on yoga pants with no intention of doing yoga.
i’m lonely just not “inventor of the boomerang” lonely
I like to think my essence leaves my body at night, and walks the lonely streets trying to eat custard with chopsticks.
Cats are tough negotiators, they leave nothing on the table.
He is on that bird call website a lot.
– My Mom describing me on twitter to older relatives at get-togethers.
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*Wife (out of breath): Thanks for holding the elevator open
Me: No problem
I used to have a friend named CLINT then one time I wrote the letters of his name too close together on his birthday card
Practice self-care like Medusa, take care of your hair & turn everyone who has wronged you into stone.
Video games don’t encourage violence nearly as much as piñatas do
Lmao 🤣
[date]
HER: *staring into my eyes* Whatcha thinking about?
ME: *daydreaming about dogs on trampolines* Just you, girl.
I’m thinking about opening a plastic surgery center and calling it “Pick Your Nose”.
SNOW WHITE: so how’d you get your names?
SNEEZY: I sneeze a lot
SLEEPY: I sleep a lot
GRUMPY: my wife left me
please stand back I’m about to make this worse
shout out to the women in the hot dog eating contest who ate 2 dogs in 5 minutes… no competitive streak no urgency just taking the stage for a light lunch
The fact that there ain’t no rest for the wicked is probably why I’m always so tired
godspeed to the man who just told his girlfriend “there’s no need to get so emotional” in the baby clothes section of the supermarket
Sometimes having a dog is like watching a toddler –
Hi girl! Why are you sticky? Actually never mind, I don’t wanna know *grabs shampoo*