[2019 USA]
“Where are you from?”-Trumpsylvania, how about you?
“North Trumpkota”
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PRIEST: are you a catholic?
ME: I have four, but I wouldn’t say I’m addicted
[first day as a cashier]
customer: can I use this coupon for toilet paper
me: why don’t you use the rolls that you’re buying
The problem with millennials is they were taught to look up to Pokemon not *struggles to think of a thing old people respect* Mussolini
Me: He said he likes mac-n-cheese better the way his mom makes it.
Female judge: Case dismissed!
Let’s cut to the chase babe. I’ve only got a few DMs left.
Establish dominance on Halloween by eating your neighbor’s jack-o-lanterns.
Me: I can’t even tell you how much I hate people.
Twitter: Yes you can.
Sometimes, when I think about the word ruminate, it gets embedded in my mind, and I just can’t stop thinking about it.
If you want your friends to stop asking you to work out with them, go once. Show up in leather. Bring your workout cake.
I hate when I’m checking out a bag of chips, and the guy standing in front of it, thinks my lustful gaze is meant for him.
[kid watching an episode of The Flintstones for the first time]
“They made a show based on vitamins? This is dumb.”
Friend: You’ll find love again.
Me: STOP THREATENING ME
The problem with this world is that they just let anyone in.
I have a riddle about lice but it’s a real head scratcher
There was a cricket on my toilet seat so I just backed out awkwardly. Lock the door next time, bro.
Letting my cat know in a positive way that he’s looking very round today.
When someone tells me how old their kid is in months, I ask them to rephrase it in days, so they know what I just went through.
Yoga Teacher: Set an intention in your heart
Me: I want to be sexy
Yoga Teacher: A kindness for the world
Me: Ok, I want everyone to be sexy
Me: Sir, is this corn maze GMO free?
Him: It’s five dollars.
I did not “try to rob a bank,” I just “aspired” to obtain more money.
My boss calls me chief, so I really don’t know who’s in charge anymore. I hope it’s not me because I haven’t been paying attention.
When there were a lot footprints in the sand, that was a bunch of jesus’s chasing you
I went to a seafood disco last week and pulled a mussel.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: [snoring]
Netflix: [takes last piece of birthday cake from fridge]
I canceled my plans to go swimming because it was threatening to rain. I was OK with getting wet but only on my terms.
Once upon a time,
You weren’t listening to the story mommy was reading to you so everyone in the book dies. The end.
my ex never cleaned the coffee filter basket. it was grounds for divorce . folks,,
Got to the airport and paid $30 for a coffee and breakfast burrito the size of a Smurf.
ME: we need to talk
BOYFRIEND: I agree. I was thinking—
ME: the fact that Rudolph’s nose was shiny says nothing about its actual luminosity & if it DID glow, red is the least bright light that human eyes see which is why it’s used in observatories. It wouldn’t help Santa at all
If you are going to call the cops every time you spot me in your bushes I don’t think this relationship is going to work.