If we only could have known that nap time in Kindergarten was the best life/work balance we would ever achieve.
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Car sex – for when you want risky sex AND improve your twister game
Most divorces are caused by a spouse eating potato chips while you try to watch TV.
Got fired from the petting zoo for giving the rabbits birth control.
if I won an award my acceptance speech would just be a list of medications that I’m thankful for
just overheard my boyfriend, who works outside all day, describe me to someone as “an indoor cat”
DR DOG: The test results came back.
PATIENT: Oh God
DR DOG: The tumor is–
*sees a squirrel out the window and takes off*
Wife: this is how monsters are made
Me: [stuffing the turkey with gummy vitamins] we are going to be healthy af.
Good morning to everyone except people that eat while leaving you a voicemail.
Barista: name?
Benedict Cumberbatch: Benedict Cumberbatch
Barista [writes “Benedict Cumberbatch”]
Benedict Cumberbatch: holy shit
what did I do this weekend? saw 50 Shades Darker & coughed through the whole movie on purpose
I briefly stepped away from social media to get an idea of what else is going on in the world. For instance, I didn’t realize I was still married.
If YouTube ever goes down nobody will ever figure out how to tie a tie again.
I’m gonna be in trouble when my kids are older and realize how much of my parenting advice is just Kenny Rogers lyrics.
Police:Is there anything you can tell us about your attacker.
Me:He was much better at fighting than me.
Police:Ok is there anything else?
I won’t be gratified sexually until someone dumps one of those big Gatorade containers on me after.
* Guy at board meeting pitching the idea for a Roomba
You ever notice how sometimes you’re too drunk to vacuum ?
10:00: gets in hammock
10:00 to 10:20: relaxes in hammock
10:21 to 11:57: gets out of hammock
HAVING KIDS
• expensive & boring
• they will live with you for 18 yearsBEFRIENDING A CROW
• cheap & exciting
• they will bring you gifts
• there is a good chance they will also be willing to do crimes for you
At a restaurant: “Would you like a table?” “No, not at all. I came here to eat on the floor. Carpet for 5 please.”
I want to know what ideas were so bad that “horny cows” made it on the billboard
We’ve been having a problem here at work with guys spending too.much time in the restrooms. Not to get out if work but because the air conditioning in there is fantastic.
-tweet sent from stall #3
There are two types of women: the ones who buy cute new clothes for a trip and the ones who pack old stretchy leggings and tops expecting full well to gain 5 lbs in 4 days, of which I am the latter
I tried to contact Joan Rivers through my ouija board, and a message came back: “If I wasn’t already dead, your outfit would’ve killed me”.
A Jehovah’s Witness followed me.
I think I’ll send him a lot of unsolicited DMs with knock-knock jokes…
If by “new money” you mean it hasn’t been printed yet, yes, that’s me.
1) “Obamas spying on you.”2) “Eh. Cost of being free!”1) “Obama wants to give you healthcare.”2) “WHO THE HELL DOES HE THINK HE IS?”
Everybody is fighting a battle that you don’t know about…because of the first rule of Fight Club.
Wife: is that our guinea pig?
Me: yes and I’ve named her gwyn
Wife: why
Me: *whispers* gwyny pig
me: come back to my place?
her: sure
me: it’s not haunted
her: what
me: no ghosts