My buddy’s wife put him on a strict diet, so now I earn money by selling him Reese’s through the back door.
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RELATIONSHIPS: Because sometimes destroying your life is a two person job
[romantic dinner]
her: “I was hoping it might just be the two of us.”
ventriloquist dummy: “he said I help with his confidence.”
i prefer to think of myself as less “bad at running” and more “really good at running 13 minute miles
Hate your job as a calendar maker?Need a way to get fired? Easy.
( •_•)
( •_•)>⌐■-■
(⌐■_■)
Just take a day off
Father: I love both my sons equally.
Max: I know that, dad.
Min: I have my doubts.
me: I can’t wait for the elections to be over so I can remove these political signs
proctologist: how many are in here
Telling a child to wipe his hands on the napkin 8 inches in front of him instead of his shirt is a great way to get rid of excess breath.
Me: Why isn’t the water working?
Kid:
Me:
Kid:
Me:
Kid: I shut it off to practice being a plumber
Me: There it is
How many times in your marriage have you ever answered a question with a question?
Wives – 3
Men – What?
Inflation has me feeling like I’m back in college cause I’m living off of ramen most days.
My 6yo spread peanut butter all over the floor outside my bedroom as an April Fools prank.
Is there an age limit for being able to drop a kid off at the fire station with no questions asked?
Boss: if you don’t know what to say, slamming your face on the keyboard isn’t a solution
Me: what do you mean?
If you stop vacuuming your stairs eventually they become a snack bar for your kids.
Lots of stores are gonna close as a result of this. That means there will be roughly 700% more Spirit of Halloween stores come October
5: Next year, I’m going to be 6, and my sister will be 2.
Me: Yup, that’s right.
5: And my brother will be 9.
Me: Good job.
5: And you’ll be fort-
Me: That’s enough math for now.
The way my dog maintains eye contact while taking a dump is unsettling. Can’t he read a magazine like a normal dog?
I feel it is only fair for a recipe to indicate up front how many burners it requires. For example a 3 burner recipe would be a no.
Men say they love it when you get wet for them, but then complain when you flood their entire house.
This skinny girl just told me she “forgets” to eat? Is that possible? I just licked her face in case it’s contagious.
*works out for 75 mins
*eats an entire batch of cookie dough
Darth Vader: *kazoo noise*
Moff Tarkin: Someone put a kazoo in your face mask again while you were sleeping?
Darth Vader: *sad kazoo noise*
JFK was the perfect name for this airport because it makes me feel like I got shot in the head
Personal Trainer: What do you want to work on today?
Me: To stop getting the name of the exercises wrong
Personal Trainer: Anything else?
Me: plonks, plunges, and squaps
I’d date me.
But mainly because I put out.
Hey y’all, I finally got a smart phone. I’m a big girl now!
Anyone got a 5 year old I can borrow to teach me how to use the damn thing?
I often walk through a little park where people walk their dogs. Yesterday I saw somebody walking their tortoise. The funny thing is LA dogs are so small I’m pretty sure that reptile could win in a fight.
When your parents said you could be anything you wanted, I don’t think they meant annoying
Sure kids are great but have you tried sleep?