“I would absolutely say I’m an introvert!” – Guy screaming to his table full of friends at brunch.
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one thing the entire animal kingdom has in common is the face we make when our kid won’t shut up
“I feel your pane”- Guy walking into your window.
Hide and seek, except it’s my husband searching for where he last put his pants.
4 asked me to play with her & I said I was making lunch & she yelled “IF YOU DONT I’LL ASK DADDY” & I was about to yell back when I realised it was a win for me so I said “ok ask daddy” but this made her suspicious so now we’re just staring at each other unsure what to do next
me, lightly touching miette with the side of my foot: miette move out of the way please so I don’t trip on you
miette, her eyes enormous: you KICK miette? you kick her body like the football? oh! oh! jail for mother! jail for mother for One Thousand Years!!!!
Kid: Mom, the light’s on in my closet.
Me: That’s weird. The monster must be looking for something.
Got kicked out of the gym for setting off the smoke alarm while running in my corduroy shorts.
Therapist: …and if you don’t start working to control your anxiety, you’ll never stop making your own private hell
Me: so I get to be the devil
Therapist: no absolutely no-
Me: Very cool
Therapist: wait but
Me: incredibly cool
My friend showed me how they fixed the water stain on the ceiling in their office.
My 13 year old doesn’t speak when she picks up the phone. She just listens and hangs up. I think she’s going to be a hitman someday.
There are a lot of unspoken rules about complimenting a baby. It is ok to say ‘I could just eat him up!’ but apparently you should not go into detail about which recipe you would follow.
I need a pain relieving patch that covers my whole body
[At the coroners’ to identify a body]
Me: “Yep. That’s a body all right.”
ZzzQuil should come with a warning label saying “May cause you to wake up naked at a 7 Eleven while everyone is staring at you.”
This is so funny 🤣 I was crying!
*parachutes into your family BBQ*
I noticed you haven’t retweeted me in a while, but I see you had time to make POTATO SALAD…
(car dealer)
is the passenger seat also heated?
“Aww for ur wife?”
*imagines putting a fast food bag on warm seat after the drive-thru*
yes
ME: My favorite was always Raphael, but I liked Donatello a lot too
DATE: Aww so you were a big fan as a kid?
ME *pulling my credit card from my Ninja Turtles wallet*: Hmm?
I always close the door to the bathroom even if I’m home alone. What if someone broke in and saw me peeing? That would be so embarrassing
I love how my dog hears me in the kitchen and runs in, as if expecting to magically see four hamburgers and a steak just laying on the ground.
A couple drops of super glue on your fingers and you wont pay attention to any other thing on the planet for three hours.
My birthday is tomorrow. I accept gift cards, cash, cheesecake, or a beach house. You pick.
Cortana, where is the closest Taco Bell?
There’s a Weight Watchers meeting 1 mile away from you.
*Note to self: Never call Siri Cortana*
Hubs: Hey, throw toilet paper down the stairs.
Me: Oh, I thought this was going to be a sweet text…
Hubs: Throw some butt wiping paper downstairs with your delicately soft, feminine hands, please my goddess.
Watching holiday movies as a kid gave me the impression that as an adult I’ll forget my kid at home or have to drive in a halfway burned down car to get where I’m going.
maybe i don’t ACTUALLY like bad boys im just really into alliteration
Hey, sexy. Wanna merge our DNA and make mini versions of ourselves who will never give us a moment’s peace and destroy all our stuff?
We can land a rover on freakin Mars but still no single-button to push for the
¯_(ツ)_/¯ emoji
Best part about wearing glasses is taking them off when you’re making a point so people know shit’s about to get real.
[Family Feud]
What’s your answer?!
*whispers into microphone*
Please help me, I don’t even know these people