I would be a terrible stalker because A) not motivated enough 7) you would always hear the rattle of peanut m&ms behind you.
You Might Also Like
Godspeed, John Glenn
My 5 year old was looking at the meerkats in the zoo amazed and I said “aren’t they so cute” and he was like “I want to cook the babies and make soup.”
It’s called “personal grooming” as though we might get confused and groom a total stranger.
Mario: can I buy you a drink?
Peach: ew get a life
Mario: *eats mushroom* …now?
Remember when old printers would cope with running low on ink. They’d just work and work, creating ever-fainter images and text, until finally it was white on white.
Modern printers are like, “I CANNOT WORK LIKE THIS!” and then they email someone, trying to order their own ink.
My favourite drivers are the designated ones.
Pizza places should give away free pizza car air-freshners. Within 5seconds of sitting in your car, you WILL crave pizza.
CDC: money is dirty
Money launderers: this is our time to shine
If you love someone just tell them. Or get drunk and text them 75 times, that’s practically the same thing.
Me: Please can you get my iPad in the lounge?
5yr: I think you should poo without it. I just play with my fingers and sing and stuff…
Three ways to tell if you’re dating an Octopus:
1. They give awesome hugs
2. They have no skeleton
3. Every date is at the aquarium
Outfit choices
Work: jeans & a t-shirt
Hanging out: jeans & a t-shirt
Special event: jeans & a t-shirt
Stalking your ex: jeans & a t-shirt
Having a nice lunch: jeans & a t-shirt
Doctor appt: khakis & a nice shirt so you appear to have it together
Every time I go through airport security I’m terrified that I accidentally packed a bomb.
Him: do you know an easy way to draw three flying birds?
Me: mmm
Him: thanks
My wife refuses to hire a housekeeper bc *checks notes* she doesn’t want them to see this mess.
What’s this sorcery? 😂
gf: i’m breaking up with you.
me: is it my drinking habits?
gf: well it…
me: *interrupts with empty cup straw-sipping noise for 2 minutes*
Always surround yourself with people who are successful, because people who are successful always have money to bail you out jail
who called it a toilet and not an IP address
Call your dad now and ask him what the wifi password is so he has time to find the little paper it’s written on before Thanksgiving.
I have neither the patience nor the crayons to show you why this is a bad idea.
Go ahead, criticize my overprotective parenting but no gorillas were shot on my watch.
[Preparing for a heist]
Boss: Whoa! You brought in new guys? They aint gonna squeal are they?
Me *with a gang of doves*: Naw man, they coo
Nothing shocks you quite like finding out your friend’s younger sibling is an adult with a job and family and is not 12 years old anymore.
You can’t hurt my feelings, pffft, I have three kids
Nothing like quiet, peaceful coffee on the patio
Till the neighbors start to mow
surprise your friends by filling your beehive hairdo with bees!
My boss just sent me a text that she’ll be driving by in 15 minutes. Idk what she wants me to do with this info but I turned all of the lights off and unplugged the Christmas tree.
[holding a playstation controller while i watch Friends and pretending i’m controlling chandler]
My kid hissed at me when I woke him up for school today